I’ve had this question several times by email — “What should I do? My best friend is having an affair. Should I tell his/her spouse?” Or maybe your sister or brother. Or sister-in-law. Etc. Someone you’re very close to. I’ve also seen this question in variations in the search engine requests that lead people to my blog. It’s a tough one. I DO think it’s situational to some extent — there is no one answer — but I think I’d still like to weigh in on it.
I post very little about my affair or myself any longer. I wanted the blog to be not about me, but about the topic — to help others get out of infidelity, avoid it altogether or heal from it. So I say very little about my affair, my wife, my recovery or “her.” Its been more than 900 days since D-day and when I cut things off with “her”. My marriage has recovered well. We don’t talk about “it”. It’s very much in the rear view mirror for us. Continue reading
As some of you may know, I get private emails from readers – cheaters and betrayed spouses alike, and almost in equal amounts — asking for my reaction, to thank me, to ask for my help or just to vent about infidelity issues that touched their lives. I get far more emails than comments on the blog entries, in fact. People would rather not vent their personal struggles out in the open. Even anonymously. And I respect that. I’ve never outed anyone that’s written me, I’ve always protected people’s privacy. Even the jerks. Continue reading
This is another in my series of interviews of those involved in Infidelity, in order to give a perspective to others and put a human face to these stories. As you will see below, “Charles” (named changed to preserve anonymity) was involved in a relatively sexless marriage. He feels completely rejected by his wife romantically/physically, and it’s why he sought out an Affair, which he now very much regrets. Again, an example of “cause and effect”. If you don’t make your spouse feel understood, appreciated, desired and wanted, someone else might. Happy and content people rarely have affairs. His writing is raw, powerful, and full of shame, regret and inner turmoil. Well worth the read.
With that, meet Charles…. Continue reading
I’ve seen a number of newspaper articles related to someone assaulting their spouse whom cheated or suspected of cheating. And of course, the assaulting spouse trying to justify it. And usually with a lot of “YOU GO, GIRL!” types of supporting comments when the woman conducts the assault, as if there’s some gender-based rules for when assault is ok or legal (newsflash: it’s not). I wonder if they feel the same when they hear of a wife being assaulted by a jealous husband? It’s quite beyond the pale. Assault is assault. Whether you’re a woman or not. Whether your partner cheated or not. You can’t just hit someone or destroy property and then act so surprised when you are arrested, booked, and convicted. Continue reading
For those of you who deny the possibility that the extent to which you meet your partner’s needs has a direct effect on their desire to stay faithful to you, I provide you this article which summarizes a study which basically concludes that the more that men go down on their wives, the less likely their wives are to stray. And yes, the cause/effect goes for men too. Those who are happy eating at home rarely eat out!! 🙂 Even if the study has its flaws, I think the point is very valid. Yes, the extent to which a person’s critical emotional needs (and yes, sex is primarily an emotional need, even for men) are met — the extent to which people are happy and content in their relationships — has a direct correlation to their fidelity. Period. Continue reading
But it’s a dangerous, immature and self-defeating response to being cheated on, which can backfire in many ways.
These actions almost always lead to separation and divorce.
Many couples that have been through infidelity want to restore trust after an affair but find this to be the most difficult part of rebuilding their marriage. More specifically, the injured spouse, the one that was cheated on, almost always finds it impossible to trust his or her partner. This is one of the most difficult parts because the partner has already shown that they were untrustworthy in the past. How can they be trusted again?
Unfortunately, without learning how to trust again, it will be impossible to rebuild the marriage. It’s a waste of your time and theirs. It’s that simple. Continue reading
Yes, there are different types of affairs! It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same. As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair. I think that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go? Answer the question of who they are really married to? Continue reading