When Single Men Have Affairs With Married Women

couples-2_1This is sort of Part II concerning single people having affairs with married people and why. Recently, I wrote about why single women have affairs with married men.  So today it’s the more rare circumstance — those few single men who have affairs with married women. And how the single male’s motivations and approach tends to be different than the single woman who is someone’s affair partner.

From my perspective, this is a more rare circumstance than the single woman with the married man. Why? I have yet to get an email from a single man who is involved with a married woman asking me for help, pining out the problems in his affair, or just to vent. Not even one. But I get emails from women all the time who are involved with married men, concerning their issues, frustrations and questions. Plus, I think there are not that many married women who are seeking a mostly sexual affair with a single man (which is what most of them turn out to be). It’s not in the DNA of most women to do that.  The married woman who has an affair usually does it because she’s fallen for someone else, single or otherwise.  So the married woman/single man coupling is the more rare circumstance. That being said, it occurs.

Why do some single men have affairs with married women?

No Strings Attached Sex/It’s Easier.   Unlike most women, single men often love having access to someone who is passionate, sexual and really wants nothing more from them.  On a purely physical level, most men are going to enjoy their affairs with married women.  You’re bringing out her inner tigress. You’re unlocking a woman full of sexual desire who is not getting her needs met at home, so of course the one night (or many nights) of sex is going to be unbelievably great. There are no strings attached to it, either, so it’s just fantastic sex with seemingly no consequences.   This to me is the most obvious reason.  Men would love to have a lover who asks almost nothing of them.  The married woman won’t expect presents or moan if he forgets to phone her. There is no house maintenance to carry out and no children to take to school!  Getting involved and dating married women would mean that you don’t have to remember important dates and actually make it a point to see each other everyday.  Anything goes.  Anything happens. Nothing is forever. You don’t need to call her. You don’t need to keep in touch. You don’t need to meet the parents and you won’t miss a single bowling night out with your buddies. No strings attached.And it’s easy, usually passionate, sex on tap!

The goal of dating for married people is far different from dating among the singles. Single people usually look for commitment. This is the most apparent reason why they willingly throw themselves out there. But for married people who are already committed, they are just out to seek solutions to their unmet emotional and/or sexual needs. This especially applies to married women who date single guys.

What this means for single men is the kind of sexual trip they crave without the guilt trip in the end. When they date a single woman, do the deed with her, men are usually pressured into taking the relationship into a whole new level that is coupled with commitment. Some guys are not just up for that. This makes dating a married woman more convenient.

Practicality and convenience play a factor in affairs for the single man. What could be easier?  You don’t have to worry about romantic dinners, tickets to the movies, or even “waiting” for sex.  The point will largely BE about sex.   Supposing you’re a single guy out for a night with your friends perhaps night-clubbing, you see an attractive woman out with her friends and you strike up a conversation. The conversation will flow very nicely and the woman will match your compliments and be very outgoing towards you, this is because of the time factor.     Your married woman will only have one night out with the girls perhaps once every couple of weeks or so.  If the married woman has a mind to commit adultery, she will have only a short period of time to get to know you, therefore she will be as accommodating as she can be.  She’ll be on her back in no time.  The 3-date rule will probably not apply.

older-woman-younger-manUsing your “Inner Cougar” against you.  Younger single men know about how some older women like to fashion themselves as “cougars”.  They will play upon this need.  Flatter the married woman.  Trust me, ladies.  He’s not going to fall in love with you and marry you. He has no intention at all of staying with you for very long.  The younger man is unlikely to be with you when you’re turning 65.  Instead, you’re seen as an “easy mark.”  A convenient, willing, no-strings-attached sex toy.    It’s so unlikely that anything resembling a mutually-satisfying and loving long-term romantic partnership that you shouldn’t even play the fantasy out in your head.  But he will play you and he knows just how to say the right thing to get you to believe that maybe there could be a future.  For the single man, it’s the fastest way to get you out of your clothes and on to your backs.  And he knows the older woman, flattered beyond belief that a younger man is showering her with attention, will be super easy to control.  There’s not a thing you can do to control things.  He will do with you what he will, when he decides, and dump your butt when he feels like it.  If the married woman dares complain, you are kicked to the curb instantly.  What could be easier for the single man on the make?  Yes, if you’re hot and older, yes you will get all kinds of men who still want to nail you. But don’t make the classic mistake that a lot of women make — the fact that someone wants to do the Horizontal Mamba with you doesn’t likely mean they’re in love with you, or even want you one minute after the deed is done.  Single males will be particularly adept at using your own vanity, and fantasies, against you in this way. Don’t fall for it.

It’s easier than dating a single woman.  The usual frustrations that go with dating a single woman will largely not be there with the married woman.  Problems are solved in two minutes and you never have to go through cold wars. Issues? What issues? You’re always happy together.  You will never get affected by her mood swings and she will always appear sweet and romantic with you.  If she DOES get demanding and moody, you can drop her pretty fast and there’s not much she can do about it, since you could inform her husband, her friends and her employer of her activities, if you chose.  She’ll go quietly, believe me.  She has everything to lose, and you have nothing to lose.  She realizes this. She will be pliable and sweet as pie to you.  She has no other choice.  Control therefore goes largely to the single man. Again, an advantage.

And you owe her nothing!   You’re not really in a real  relationship with the married woman, so it’s all right to date and hook-up with other women as well.  She never nags, she doesn’t have the right to demand and stress you up (if she does, she knows she’ll probably be dumped, so it’s likely she won’t).  Yes, you need to be available when she is, but your time is really your time otherwise.  You have no commitment to her at all.

It’s an Ego Boost.  There are single men too who like to power trip.  They actively seek to date married women because these women are both unavailable and unattainable.  It seems wrong to steal another man’s woman but it can feel so right for some single men.  Often, it is the risk of being found out itself that they find sexy.  It’s a thrill.  And its about male competitiveness — a man may actually brag to his friends about “bagging that MILF” (I hope all of you know what a MILF is), and how he pities, or even openly ridicules, the unaware, feckless husband.  It’s all about the hunt and the kill for some men, and the married woman may be the most elusive, and therefore desirable, prey of all.   What could be more ego-boosting then to convince a married woman to shit all over her vows and morals because she can’t control her need for you?

Single men rarely get that attached to married women.  As I indicated above, the single man is very unlikely to want you in the long term. He’s not going to fall in love.  Unlike the married man/single woman scenario, single men will most likely be able to keep control of their emotions. They won’t be pressuring their married female lover to leave their husbands — in fact, that’s the last thing they want!  They have no illusions or desires to have a “real relationship” with you and to take you, your issues, your finances, maybe your children, on as their burden.  They usually will be very content with the affair as it is.  And to the married woman who wants low risk to her marriage due to her affair, this will suit her fine.  She doesn’t want someone who has the potential to expose her out of anger and frustration. She doesn’t have to worry that the guy will be pressuring her to leave her spouse and “take it to the next level.”   She just wants some fun.

And of course the question might also be this:  Why do some married women prefer dating single men? Would it not be more sensible for both consenting people to be married?  This would mean that both people have the same amount to lose by either of the persons husband or wife finding out about the affair.  Maybe.  But if your partner is single, they are far likely to be available on the married woman’s schedule.  And they don’t have a wife who might uncover the affair.  The risk is cut in half by seeing a single man, in the minds of some married female cheaters.

For other women, the affair thing also may be the symptom of a mid-life crisis — that they fear their attractiveness slipping away, and what better way to feel good about yourself than to get another man interested in you, especially a younger and single one? What could be more self-affirming (even it’s kind of a delusion, just as it is for married male cheaters)?

Some women are solely interested in having extra-marital affairs without the baggage of being responsible or accountable to the men they bed.  The disposable relationship they foster are nothing more than a selfish thrill-ride for their own benefit.  In many cases they justify their behavior for suffering through a less-than worthy marriage.   So both parties are in it for easily disposable, selfish reasons. That’s why they are so easy to pull off.

But aren’t there consequences for the single man who gets involved with a married woman? I think they are.  While the idea of banging someone elses’ wife and getting away with it, and having passionate, no strings attached sex, sounds great as a fantasy, I think it’s rarely that simple, except for the male narcissist.  Sure, the night of sex you have may be great. The after-effects mean nothing at the time, but what if this married woman actually develops feelings for you, or vice-versa?

Not only that, what if you are actually acquaintances with her husband? What if her husband is actually a guy you work out with at the gym or a guy you do business with?  What if he finds out and sets out to get his revenge on you? What if there are children involved, and her affair with you leads to a strain on the marriage, and then a strain on the children?  Anyone with a conscience would be troubled.  Affairs often have unexpected paths and consequences.  You MIGHT fall in love.  Her husband might find out and come and shoot you.  She might get attached to YOU and harass you when you want to get out. Affairs often seem so easy in the abstract, and so complicated in reality.

I would never recommend an affair with a married person to anyone.

© COPYRIGHT 2006, 2007, 2013 Recovering Wayward Enterprises, LLC

7 thoughts on “When Single Men Have Affairs With Married Women

  1. I just thought I should comment since I’m a married woman that just ended an affair with a single man 16 years my junior. I know for a fact that for him it was more convenient since most single girls wanted commitment and he complained to me about this often. I also never pressured him and made it clear I didn’t expect him to remain faithful to me; after all he is a healthy 24 year old man… But like you said, things are never so easy; my husband found out and was absolutely shattered but he has decided to stay with me after initially threatening divorce. Furthermore, both of us; me and the OM are kind of bereft because eventually we did ‘fall in love’ and its been very very rough letting go but I’m committed to it. At present fighting the addiction and seeking healing for my ravaged soul; your blog is a blessing that gives me hope. Thanks!

  2. Hi I’m a married women who is currently trying to end an affair with a single man who is slightly younger than me 4 yrs (I don’t want to) the problem is we have fallen in love I believe or have we? Is it just lust as the relationship is all about sex. He is happy with the little time we spend together but I’m torn when I have to leave him and think of him always. I also have to live with the guilt and the lies. But I also feel bad that I’m not free for the single man. Some people may judge me, my marriage is troubled but I will remain loyal to my husband if not faithful. The bottom line is there is no happy ending when you embark on an affair. We are both upset that it has to end I’m left heartbroken.

    • It takes guts to come forward and admit something like this. And your story is a reminder to everyone of why an affair is always a bad idea. I wish you peace, healing and moving forward.

  3. I am a single guy who is involved with a married woman but we haven’t had any sex. I like her a lot and I really want to have sex with her. I did some research today and felt terrible – the moral repercussion makes me sick to my stomach. I do want to pull the trigger and end this affair. But more often than not, I compromise whenever she says she “loves” and wants to have sex with me. I really don’t know what to do.

    • Man take it from someone that’s been in an affair with a married woman for 6 months now, if you can get away before having sex, then do it. Once that happens other things begin to happen, then you start worrying if she is having sex with her husband, once all that happens it will literally drive you insane. I’m speaking from experience.

    • eastportboat –

      I hope for your sake you find the strength to pull the plug on this and walk away. She is looking for *something*, probably something that’s missing in her marriage, and she sees the potential for it in you. But the sad truth about it is that it most likely isn’t really YOU specifically that she’s interested in and wants. She’s just desperate to feel a certain way, and thinks you can possibly give her that. And you very likely could, but it’s very unlikely that it will last for very long, and it’s probably going to end up costing both of you more than you can imagine right now. If you really like her, I’d try being a friend instead, and sharing that with her, share this blog with her, and advise her to seek help for her marriage or get out of it. If she does decide to divorce, then you can certainly see her – once the marriage is behind her – and there will be no guilt or complications to detract from whatever relationship you wish to have. But certainly if you begin a relationship built on deception & adultery, it’s really not going to get less complicated or potentially ugly from here.

  4. I am in a long distance ’emotional’ relationship with a married women with two children. We met at the gym while I was overseas(lets say… country A) visiting family.

    I am away now in country B but will be back to country A in 4-5 months time so we will see each other again.

    Feelings developed slowly while I was in country A. We saw each other often at the gym but barely spoke for 3 months or so. The last 1-2 months, we began speaking slowly and felt a mutual attraction.

    I had a goodbye party at the gym before leaving to country B with close gym members that I got to know….it was apparent then that at the end of the night she was expecting a kiss(at least). I held back.

    Forward 2 weeks, I left country A and am now in country B. I send Joanna(married woman/alias) a brief and proper email saying hello. I promised to keep in touch. I had no other intentions.

    After a few emails, we started chatting via text(free chat app). This developed into multiple emails, text, phone calls throughout the day, week, and now months.

    We speak openly about her marriage, children and marital problems. I tell her I understand the intricacies of this relationship and that I know that she shouldn’t feel alone in this world… unhappy. Nobody deserves that. I told her that this relationship, in the end, could most likely hurt her more than me. We talk about many things, and since this happened while I am in Country B, it is an ’emotional’ relationship rather than a ‘physical’ one. We are quite realistic and open about these expectations; however, the problem is that I find ’emotional’ relationships more dangerous and risky…

    We do talk about sex and have sent sexual pictures back and forth.

    We are both extremely physically attracted to each other. She is 7 years older than I(mid 30’s) and in great shape. I am in my late 20’s and have enjoyed good financial success, which in turn led to more free time & open mindedness. My situation is slightly different from other men who have 9-5 work obligations and thus limits their time spent with their women. I have the luxury to travel and meet her sooner if I want.

    Physically, I keep in great shape and watch my diet & life style.

    Now the question is… I will sleep with her when I am back in Country A… in 4 months or so. Even if I stop speaking to her, I will see her at the same gym that we go to, especially since the members are small and few, and we are all quite close to one another.

    As a single man, this is hindering my relationship here with other single woman, but the worst thing is, I don’t really care. I enjoy spending my time talking to Joanna rather than talking to younger, single girls or women who are just looking for someone to settle down with and marry(most late 20’s).

    I am not sure what I am looking for, if any, at this point in my life.

    I am not even sure if I need or want any advice. I just needed to rant online, to so meone, somewhere since I can’t talk about this to anybody else.

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