This is sort of Part II concerning single people having affairs with married people and why. Recently, I wrote about why single women have affairs with married men. So today it’s the more rare circumstance — those few single men who have affairs with married women. And how the single male’s motivations and approach tends to be different than the single woman who is someone’s affair partner.
From my perspective, this is a more rare circumstance than the single woman with the married man. Why? I have yet to get an email from a single man who is involved with a married woman asking me for help, pining out the problems in his affair, or just to vent. Not even one. But I get emails from women all the time who are involved with married men, concerning their issues, frustrations and questions. Plus, I think there are not that many married women who are seeking a mostly sexual affair with a single man (which is what most of them turn out to be). It’s not in the DNA of most women to do that. The married woman who has an affair usually does it because she’s fallen for someone else, single or otherwise. So the married woman/single man coupling is the more rare circumstance. That being said, it occurs.
Why do some single men have affairs with married women?
No Strings Attached Sex/It’s Easier. Unlike most women, single men often love having access to someone who is passionate, sexual and really wants nothing more from them. On a purely physical level, most men are going to enjoy their affairs with married women. You’re bringing out her inner tigress. You’re unlocking a woman full of sexual desire who is not getting her needs met at home, so of course the one night (or many nights) of sex is going to be unbelievably great. There are no strings attached to it, either, so it’s just fantastic sex with seemingly no consequences. This to me is the most obvious reason. Men would love to have a lover who asks almost nothing of them. The married woman won’t expect presents or moan if he forgets to phone her. There is no house maintenance to carry out and no children to take to school! Getting involved and dating married women would mean that you don’t have to remember important dates and actually make it a point to see each other everyday. Anything goes. Anything happens. Nothing is forever. You don’t need to call her. You don’t need to keep in touch. You don’t need to meet the parents and you won’t miss a single bowling night out with your buddies. No strings attached.And it’s easy, usually passionate, sex on tap!
The goal of dating for married people is far different from dating among the singles. Single people usually look for commitment. This is the most apparent reason why they willingly throw themselves out there. But for married people who are already committed, they are just out to seek solutions to their unmet emotional and/or sexual needs. This especially applies to married women who date single guys.
What this means for single men is the kind of sexual trip they crave without the guilt trip in the end. When they date a single woman, do the deed with her, men are usually pressured into taking the relationship into a whole new level that is coupled with commitment. Some guys are not just up for that. This makes dating a married woman more convenient.
Practicality and convenience play a factor in affairs for the single man. What could be easier? You don’t have to worry about romantic dinners, tickets to the movies, or even “waiting” for sex. The point will largely BE about sex. Supposing you’re a single guy out for a night with your friends perhaps night-clubbing, you see an attractive woman out with her friends and you strike up a conversation. The conversation will flow very nicely and the woman will match your compliments and be very outgoing towards you, this is because of the time factor. Your married woman will only have one night out with the girls perhaps once every couple of weeks or so. If the married woman has a mind to commit adultery, she will have only a short period of time to get to know you, therefore she will be as accommodating as she can be. She’ll be on her back in no time. The 3-date rule will probably not apply.
Using your “Inner Cougar” against you. Younger single men know about how some older women like to fashion themselves as “cougars”. They will play upon this need. Flatter the married woman. Trust me, ladies. He’s not going to fall in love with you and marry you. He has no intention at all of staying with you for very long. The younger man is unlikely to be with you when you’re turning 65. Instead, you’re seen as an “easy mark.” A convenient, willing, no-strings-attached sex toy. It’s so unlikely that anything resembling a mutually-satisfying and loving long-term romantic partnership that you shouldn’t even play the fantasy out in your head. But he will play you and he knows just how to say the right thing to get you to believe that maybe there could be a future. For the single man, it’s the fastest way to get you out of your clothes and on to your backs. And he knows the older woman, flattered beyond belief that a younger man is showering her with attention, will be super easy to control. There’s not a thing you can do to control things. He will do with you what he will, when he decides, and dump your butt when he feels like it. If the married woman dares complain, you are kicked to the curb instantly. What could be easier for the single man on the make? Yes, if you’re hot and older, yes you will get all kinds of men who still want to nail you. But don’t make the classic mistake that a lot of women make — the fact that someone wants to do the Horizontal Mamba with you doesn’t likely mean they’re in love with you, or even want you one minute after the deed is done. Single males will be particularly adept at using your own vanity, and fantasies, against you in this way. Don’t fall for it.
It’s easier than dating a single woman. The usual frustrations that go with dating a single woman will largely not be there with the married woman. Problems are solved in two minutes and you never have to go through cold wars. Issues? What issues? You’re always happy together. You will never get affected by her mood swings and she will always appear sweet and romantic with you. If she DOES get demanding and moody, you can drop her pretty fast and there’s not much she can do about it, since you could inform her husband, her friends and her employer of her activities, if you chose. She’ll go quietly, believe me. She has everything to lose, and you have nothing to lose. She realizes this. She will be pliable and sweet as pie to you. She has no other choice. Control therefore goes largely to the single man. Again, an advantage.
And you owe her nothing! You’re not really in a real relationship with the married woman, so it’s all right to date and hook-up with other women as well. She never nags, she doesn’t have the right to demand and stress you up (if she does, she knows she’ll probably be dumped, so it’s likely she won’t). Yes, you need to be available when she is, but your time is really your time otherwise. You have no commitment to her at all.
It’s an Ego Boost. There are single men too who like to power trip. They actively seek to date married women because these women are both unavailable and unattainable. It seems wrong to steal another man’s woman but it can feel so right for some single men. Often, it is the risk of being found out itself that they find sexy. It’s a thrill. And its about male competitiveness — a man may actually brag to his friends about “bagging that MILF” (I hope all of you know what a MILF is), and how he pities, or even openly ridicules, the unaware, feckless husband. It’s all about the hunt and the kill for some men, and the married woman may be the most elusive, and therefore desirable, prey of all. What could be more ego-boosting then to convince a married woman to shit all over her vows and morals because she can’t control her need for you?
Single men rarely get that attached to married women. As I indicated above, the single man is very unlikely to want you in the long term. He’s not going to fall in love. Unlike the married man/single woman scenario, single men will most likely be able to keep control of their emotions. They won’t be pressuring their married female lover to leave their husbands — in fact, that’s the last thing they want! They have no illusions or desires to have a “real relationship” with you and to take you, your issues, your finances, maybe your children, on as their burden. They usually will be very content with the affair as it is. And to the married woman who wants low risk to her marriage due to her affair, this will suit her fine. She doesn’t want someone who has the potential to expose her out of anger and frustration. She doesn’t have to worry that the guy will be pressuring her to leave her spouse and “take it to the next level.” She just wants some fun.
And of course the question might also be this: Why do some married women prefer dating single men? Would it not be more sensible for both consenting people to be married? This would mean that both people have the same amount to lose by either of the persons husband or wife finding out about the affair. Maybe. But if your partner is single, they are far likely to be available on the married woman’s schedule. And they don’t have a wife who might uncover the affair. The risk is cut in half by seeing a single man, in the minds of some married female cheaters.
For other women, the affair thing also may be the symptom of a mid-life crisis — that they fear their attractiveness slipping away, and what better way to feel good about yourself than to get another man interested in you, especially a younger and single one? What could be more self-affirming (even it’s kind of a delusion, just as it is for married male cheaters)?
Some women are solely interested in having extra-marital affairs without the baggage of being responsible or accountable to the men they bed. The disposable relationship they foster are nothing more than a selfish thrill-ride for their own benefit. In many cases they justify their behavior for suffering through a less-than worthy marriage. So both parties are in it for easily disposable, selfish reasons. That’s why they are so easy to pull off.
But aren’t there consequences for the single man who gets involved with a married woman? I think they are. While the idea of banging someone elses’ wife and getting away with it, and having passionate, no strings attached sex, sounds great as a fantasy, I think it’s rarely that simple, except for the male narcissist. Sure, the night of sex you have may be great. The after-effects mean nothing at the time, but what if this married woman actually develops feelings for you, or vice-versa?
Not only that, what if you are actually acquaintances with her husband? What if her husband is actually a guy you work out with at the gym or a guy you do business with? What if he finds out and sets out to get his revenge on you? What if there are children involved, and her affair with you leads to a strain on the marriage, and then a strain on the children? Anyone with a conscience would be troubled. Affairs often have unexpected paths and consequences. You MIGHT fall in love. Her husband might find out and come and shoot you. She might get attached to YOU and harass you when you want to get out. Affairs often seem so easy in the abstract, and so complicated in reality.
I would never recommend an affair with a married person to anyone.
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