As some of you may know, I get private emails from readers – cheaters and betrayed spouses alike, and almost in equal amounts — asking for my reaction, to thank me, to ask for my help or just to vent about infidelity issues that touched their lives. I get far more emails than comments on the blog entries, in fact. People would rather not vent their personal struggles out in the open. Even anonymously. And I respect that. I’ve never outed anyone that’s written me, I’ve always protected people’s privacy. Even the jerks.
And mostly people seemed satisfied with what I tell them. But sometimes I think my advice is at odds with what they want to hear. And I have a case in point. This man has an issue. His wife is having an affair, he knows it, she knows he knows it, but she wants to keep it going. And he wasn’t sure what to do.
Despite what a minority of people think of me, you will see that I am in no way in defense of his wife, or of affairs. Quite the contrary.
After several exchanges, I asked him if it would be ok if I turned his notes to me into a blog entry and lot my readers give him reactions. He agreed. it’s still anonymous, but it’s all in his words. So please, have it here. I will print them all, unless they are 1) off topic, 2) Unnecessarily harsh. So please, send your comments below. Let’s call him “Nick”.
Nick’s note: “My Wife is Cheating.”
“I have diabetes and can not get erection for about three years now. To compensate for this we use toys and I even bought a strapon so it feels more like having sex with her. Anyway she cheated on me and wants to stay with me and still see the other guy on the side. She says it is just because he can get an erection and I can’t. I have asked her many times if she is happy with what we do sexually and she always says yes but now tells me that she was lying to me and that she needed an erection and the toys where not doing it for her. I think she really likes this guy and will eventually leave me if things go right between them. He lives about two hours away and I think she wants to stay with me because she needs a roof over her head and she works close to here. I have a lot of work to do around the house before selling it if it goes that way. I would like to save the marriage but feel she don’t because she still wants to see this guy.
I have tried all meds to get an erection and since she was happy with what we were doing I didn’t look any further into other options. I told her if I look into other option and can get an erection again if she would stop seeing this other guy and she tells me she don’t know. He told her that he only wanted sex and nothing more but it seems like more…they text each other all the time even right in front of me. She gets upset if she don’t hear from him for a couple of hours asking me if I contacted him to tell him to leave her alone and I tell her no. Any help would be appreciated. We have been going to a marriage counselor for about two years but she never said anything about me being a problem.I know she loves me and I love her but it would be hard to stay with her if she still sees this other guy.”
“I don’t know why I allow it. I know she went to see him yesterday and he hurt bad. If I tell her not to, I think she will do it behind my back. i would rather know but I do want her to stop.”
So I responded, “well, Nick, what can I say? If you are not ok with what she’s doing, then you shouldn’t allow it. Few spouses would!! I think you need to draw a line in the sand. I don’t know many spouses that would let their spouse text their affair partner right in front of them, let alone screw someone else. Why do you allow this to occur?”
Nick then responded: “I don’t know why I allow it. I know she went to see him yesterday and he hurt bad. If I tell her not to, I think she will do it behind my back. i would rather know but I do want her to stop….I was also thinking about sending an email to this guy…I have his email address but don’t know if I should….If I tell her to stop she will probably leave me but i love her so much I don’t want that to happen.”
So my readers, what would you tell him? Respond here! I will post his responses for him if he chooses.