Affair Stories: The heartbreak of the Accidental Other Woman, “Jenn”

Someone wrote me and asked me for advice. Eventually they asked if I would post their affair story in order to help others.  So while I have not posted in a long time, I will post this story from this thoughtful, heart-broken young woman.  Let’s call her “Jenn.  She met a man and did not realize for many months that he was in reality married and that she was in an affair.   It all ended not long after this disclosure.  so while we love to blame the OW/OM for affairs, here’s a twist – her lover was careful to shield his marriage from her.  She is the “Accidental OW”. Continue reading

10 Signs Your Partner May be Cheating (sponsored post)

I did not write this, and while I think that each of these may or may not indicate infidelity (and frankly, there are more than these signs and each situation is different), I think there is still quite a bit of truth to these as well.\


10 Signs Your Partner Is Cheating on You

Cheating has always Signs-of-cheating-sex-drive-non-existant.jpgbeen around us: this problem is as old as the hills. Modern humanity goes through the huge changes of the relationship conception, which makes the number of cheaters grow. Continue reading

Answering My Critics and Nonsense About My Infidelity Blog

criticEvery once in a while, I run across commentary about my blog, and me personally.  Usually by bitter betrayed spouses. Almost always inaccurate. I don’t take them on directly.  They will only yell and scream more nonsense at me.

But I’m not afraid to take on their criticism either.  So I’m printing it here, and by the way, this is only a sample of some of the utter and complete nonsense that I’ve read about me: Continue reading

Why I’ve Stopped Contributing to the Blog — This is Goodbye, But Feel Free to Read the Old Stuff and Email Me

About 2 months ago, abruptly, I set this blog to private, and gave nobody access to it.

A blog growing in popularity monthly, and was running at about 5,000 hits a day and that was within 60 days of achieving it’s 1 millionth hit. A blog where I had received literally hundreds of comments and emails thanking me for it.  A blog that gave me satisfaction and was part of my personal penance for what I had done.

And when I ended it, I received frantic emails from many asking me to let them back in. Or for help.  And hundreds of access requests.

So I needed to explain this.  Why did I end it?  Why is it back?

Continue reading

The Seven Types of Affairs

rememberYes, there are different types of affairs!  It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same.   As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair.  I think  that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go?  Answer the question of who they are really married to?  Continue reading

Why do so many people cheat?

cheaters_1Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. We abhor it, yet we want to hear all about it. We love the topic. It’s on the news, the web, movies, and on TV. We can’t get enough of it. But while we often get the details of “who” the infidelity involves and “how” it was carried off, the question of “why” is the most vexing. Continue reading

Granting Forgiveness After the Affair

forgiveness-2The more I’ve read, the more I’ve learned. And one of the things I ran into on this blog are a series of Betrayed Spouses that refuse to grant forgiveness, and then wonder why their marriages haven’t recovered?  Because withholding forgiveness is power. Because to not forgive is to punish.  And you can’t pursue healing until you forgive.

So I saw this article. I thought it very powerful Continue reading

Mistakes Former Cheaters Make in Marital Recovery After an Affair

mistakesIf you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do.  You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it.  Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time.  A year or more.  While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading

Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make Recovering From an Affair

ooopsThis blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery.  Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair..  I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it.   From my reading, thought and research, I came up with what I think are 21 things to avoid if you want your marriage to survive and thrive after an affair.  Continue reading

Breaking the Affair Addiction

resized_addiction_to_love_by_B_neoZENI’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past.  Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey.  It was still a process.

I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I  get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?”  Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 1

divorced-couple-001I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair.  What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery?  About their ex-Other Woman?  My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend.  It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 2

confused-manFor you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife.  Or perhaps you even confessed.  But here you are and now you must face your choices.

What are you feeling right now?  What burdens are you carrying?   This is for you.  Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through.  Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading

The “Semi-Happy Marriage” and Affairs


“The Semi-happy Marriage: Too safe to leave, too boring to stay. A business partnership at best.” 

The “Semi-Happy Marriage has become common these days and is one of the most common situations that lead to affairs and/or divorce, according to relationship experts.

All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful.   Continue reading

“Why can’t I get over my Affair Partner?”

greif2This post was generated by a number of things that I’ve been seeing on blogs and message boards.  Waywards (former cheaters) lamenting about their ex-Affair Partner.  Most of them stating that they are trying to make amends to their spouses (or in some cases, the spouses still don’t know about the affair) and recommitting themselves to their marriage, but still unable to “get over” their ex-Affair Partner. Continue reading

Why Cheaters Don’t Like to Discuss Affair Details

couple-arguingThe posts of a couple of betrayed spouses whose blog I stumbled upon recently got me thinking.    I read a lot of of stuff on blogs and message boards about how we as Wayward Spouses must answer every question put to us by our Betrayed Spouse so that they can “heal.”  Personally, I think some details need to be known, but others will only serve to undermine recovery and will be used instead as punishment and humiliation. I think that distinction needs to be made.   This business about “details” is really a two-edged sword and a fine line that the couple in recovery must walk. Carefully.  Some questions and their answers HELP recovery, others HINDER it. Know the difference.   Again, I write from the perspective of the male WS. I don’t know if female cheaters feel the same, though I suspect they do. Continue reading

Recovering From An Affair: How to Become His “Girlfriend” Again

liam-neeson-girlfriend-600x450First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook.   Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses.  Or that only men are susceptible to affairs.  Not true.  I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV.  Truly.  I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so.  That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists.  What is the common thread for why most men cheat? Continue reading

The Four Horseman of Marital Doom – Predictors of Divorce

12648772-angry-husband-and-wife-turning-their-back-on-each-otherI’m reprinting an article on a concept that is an incredibly accurate predictor of marriage/relationship doom.

The concept in short?   Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship.  Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship.  Continue reading

1 million hits

just reached this morning.  1 MILLION hits.  Since January 2013.  Currently still running at more than 5,000 views per day even though I’m no longer posting or allowing comments.  Wow.

I had to come back and post that. To me, it’s stunning.  There’s obviously one heck of a lot of interest in this topic.

here’s what it looked like October 1.  June/July were down for the weeks when I set the whole thing to private. I think this shows how fast it grew. the irony is that I didn’t start using the counter until well after I began the blog. it’s probably closer to 1.6 or 1.7 million in reality.

FireShot Screen Capture #076 - 'My Stats — WordPress_com' - wordpress_com_my-stats__unit=1&blog=42728385

It stuns me. Still.  There is so much of a demand for information. That’s what this means.

That’s all I have to say.  Last post.  Bye again.

“Feedback” from a Reader

AngerI found this in my draft folder. I thought I would publish it a year later anyway. why not?

You gotta love this. I mean, what motivates some of these people?   I can’t imagine why someone would have such hate and vitriol for a stranger. I can’t imagine why my blog’s message of mutual understanding, hope, forgiveness and reconciliation (while being 100% against affairs) is so threatening to someone.  But the world is full of people, and some of them are jerks. Continue reading

To Confess or Not Confess Your Affair

CheatingWifeRevenge“Should I confess my affair to my spouse/partner??” This is a vexing question for many.  Of course, I will have the chorus of the usual crowd of Betrayed Spouses that visit (and sometimes attempt to bomb) my blog say, “YES OF COURSE! YOU MUST TELL! ALWAYS! NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY!”  And they may have a point. It’s better to be honest.  Living a lie is bad.  Basing a marriage on a big lie (or a series of them) isn’t just bad, it’s abusive. Continue reading