Twice in the last year, I have been asked by someone how to overcome the recent disclosure that their spouse had an affair many years ago. In one case, about 20 years ago. In another case, 30 years ago (yes, during the first Reagan Administration!). I guess I was initially puzzled as what to advise. So I throw this one out to my readers as well. Continue reading
Frequently, I have read things like, “why do cheaters lie about their marriages during the affair?” Or “Why do cheaters rewrite marital history after the affair is over in order to make their spouses seem so awful?”
In my experience here, reading blogs, answering hundreds of emails, etc, I think I’ve learned this about rewriting marital history during and after an affair, there are three stories that are told:
The version of the marriage told by the Betrayed Spouse, the version told by the Wayward Spouse, and, frankly, the actual truth about the marriage, which is usually somewhere in the middle. Continue reading
I’m not going to take credit for this. I lifted it from several sources, synthesized as I thought best and added in my own thoughts here and there. Many of my sources were directed to women who’ve been cheated upon but I largely think these applys to betrayed males as well. So here it is — what NOT to say to someone who’s been cheated on. Continue reading
But it’s a dangerous, immature and self-defeating response to being cheated on, which can backfire in many ways.
These actions almost always lead to separation and divorce.
Many couples that have been through infidelity want to restore trust after an affair but find this to be the most difficult part of rebuilding their marriage. More specifically, the injured spouse, the one that was cheated on, almost always finds it impossible to trust his or her partner. This is one of the most difficult parts because the partner has already shown that they were untrustworthy in the past. How can they be trusted again?
Unfortunately, without learning how to trust again, it will be impossible to rebuild the marriage. It’s a waste of your time and theirs. It’s that simple. Continue reading
I thought this was a profound, honest and important blog entry about marital communication, how it contributed to the sorry state of a marriage such that an affair became a reality for one of the spouses. It’s well worth a read.
CLICK HERE: ” How’s that working for you? “.
After receiving a number of emailed questions from Betrayed Spouses, it occurred to me that there is an issue out there that I haven’t read much about: When your Wayward Spouse claims to want to save the marriage, has ended the affair, but does not show or state real remorse for what they did. It can be enraging and confusing. Continue reading
I stumbled across this 2009 article and was frankly drawn into it. So MANY Waywards end up feeling like this man felt. The woman in the article never says whether he was having an affair or not, but the reasoning he used to get out of his marriage many people can relate to. And her response was amazing, mature…and effective. Continue reading
Interesting question. Is it better to have ended the affair and return to your marriage, determined that you will make things better and that this will never happen again, or to have your affair uncovered and the bare truth laid out to your spouse?