Forgiving an Affair that Occurred Decades Ago

coupleTwice in the last year, I have been asked by someone how to overcome the recent disclosure that their spouse had an affair many years ago. In one case, about 20 years ago. In another case, 30 years ago (yes, during the first Reagan Administration!).  I guess I was initially puzzled as what to advise.  So I throw this one out to my readers as well. Continue reading

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Rewriting Marital History After the Affair

12648772-angry-husband-and-wife-turning-their-back-on-each-otherFrequently, I have read things like, “why do cheaters lie about their marriages during the affair?”  Or “Why do cheaters rewrite marital history after the affair is over in order to make their spouses seem so awful?”

In my experience here, reading blogs, answering hundreds of emails, etc, I think I’ve learned this about rewriting marital history during and after an affair, there are three stories that are told:

The version of the marriage told by the Betrayed Spouse, the version told by the Wayward Spouse, and, frankly, the actual truth about the marriage, which is usually somewhere in the middle. Continue reading

Engaging in a Revenge Affair and Why it Won’t Work

revengeThe Revenge affair.  An eye for an eye.   Adult “tit for tat.”   These are affairs done in retaliation for a partner’s affair or due to mistreatment by the marital partner. In many cases, a Betrayed Spouse has an affair to “even the score” — and may make sure that their Wayward Spouse knows they did it.

But it’s a dangerous, immature and self-defeating response to being cheated on, which can backfire in many ways.

These actions almost always lead to separation and divorce.

Continue reading

Recovery of Trust After an Affair

ImageMany couples that have been through infidelity want to restore trust after an affair but find this to be the most difficult part of rebuilding their marriage. More specifically, the injured spouse, the one that was cheated on, almost always finds it impossible to trust his or her partner. This is one of the most difficult parts because the partner has already shown that they were untrustworthy in the past. How can they be trusted again?

Unfortunately, without learning how to trust again, it will be impossible to rebuild the marriage. It’s a waste of your time and theirs. It’s that simple. Continue reading