Losing the spark in a relationship

Often I hear people — whether they have cheated or not — say something like “I don’t feel the spark in my marriage any more.  It’s not like it used to be.”  Sometimes this is said as the “reason” for having an affair — they no longer feel attracted to their spouse, and they don’t feel desired by their spouse who seems indifferent, if not downright hostile, to sex.   What was once a horny GF or BF who cared about their appearance and couldn’t take their hands off you, has become an uninteresting, interested spouse who no longer cares much about their appearance and treats sex with you as if it was a chore.  And this will leave any relationship vulnerable to an affair, a divorce, or both.    Good article on the concept below.

Oral sex keeps women faithful?

For those of you who  deny the possibility that the extent to which you meet your partner’s needs has a direct effect on their desire to stay faithful to you, I provide you this article which summarizes a study which basically concludes that the more that men go down on their wives, the less likely their wives are to stray.  And yes, the cause/effect goes for men too.  Those who are happy eating at home rarely eat out!!  🙂 Even if the study has its flaws, I think the point is very valid.  Yes, the extent to which a person’s critical emotional needs (and yes, sex is primarily an emotional need, even for men) are met — the extent to which people are happy and content in their relationships — has a direct correlation to their fidelity.  Period.

Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

I think this man’s article is largely accurate and worth reading. I could quibble here and there, but it’s blunt, to the point, and should serve as a warning to anyone considering an affair.<

Causes of an affair..and prevention

It’s so frequently debated. What causes an affair?  There are many books, articles, opinions about what causes an affair.  All over the web.  Too many people just want to say that anyone that cheats is merely a “jerk,” or a “slut”, a horrible person, through and through, selfish and uncaring without a shred of  character and integrity.  But that’s too simple and does not fit most people that have affairs.  GOOD people. MORAL people still find themselves caught up in an affair. So isn’t it smart to find out why, except for the truly mentally ill, that normal, average people who never envisioned themselves in an affair do so?

Preventing an Affair: Sex is the “glue” in a marriage

Sex IS the “glue” in a marriage!! It is fundamental. A leg of the chair that is your relationship. Sex is certainly not everything, and in the greater scheme of a marriage, it’s actually a pretty small part of the overall interaction between two people, but, truly, sex is what holds all the rest together.

Recovering From An Affair: How to Become His “Girlfriend” Again

First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook.   Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses.  Or that only men are susceptible to affairs.  Not true.  I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV.  Truly.  I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so.  That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists.  What is the common thread for why most men cheat?

The Four Horseman of Marital Doom – Predictors of Divorce

I’m reprinting an article on a concept that is an incredibly accurate predictor of marriage/relationship doom.

The concept in short?   Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship.  Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship.