I post very little about my affair or myself any longer. I wanted the blog to be not about me, but about the topic — to help others get out of infidelity, avoid it altogether or heal from it. So I say very little about my affair, my wife, my recovery or “her.” Its been more than 900 days since D-day and when I cut things off with “her”. My marriage has recovered well. We don’t talk about “it”. It’s very much in the rear view mirror for us.
However, the OW went “bunny boiler” on me after I terminated things. Such that 2 years ago, I had to take her to Court for a restraining order. But the even the judge didn’t really stop her. Maybe slowed her down, but she still attempted to alternately entice, slander. and harass me (strange as that may seem as a plan to get a lost lover back). Since Court, she’s tried to contact me directly or indirectly several dozen times, although it’s been a while as of the writing of this blog entry. One of her tricks was to post libelous things and embarrassing things about me or my wife on her Facebook page. I would carefully take screen shots and preserve the evidence should I decide to take her back to Court.
So since then, every week or two, I go into her page via a fake account to see whether she’s posted anything new that relates to me in case she’s gone psycho again. Thankfully, she hasn’t in about 10 months now. I hope it continues. But she’s a psycho and I don’t trust her. So I hold my nose, and I go into her page and I see what she’s posted since I was last there.
Recently, she took a bunch of selfies and posted them. I looked into the face of someone that I once thought was the sun and the moon to me. And I stared..and I felt…..
Zero. Nada. Zip. Not love. Not longing. Not even hatred (which I used to feel). I felt nothing.
I don’t even find her attractive any longer. Funny how that works. I was surprised. I thought that I would always feel SOMETHING for her. But now I feel nothing. It was like looking at a stranger. Frankly, I’m stunned. 3 short years ago, it was raging hot. I couldn’t live without her. Without my fix. Now it’s nothing. She is nothing but a poignant ghost in a long line of ghosts in my life.
So why am I posting this? For the dozens of people who have emailed me asking how or when they will get over the Affair Partner. Or betrayed spouses wondering when their former cheater is going to stop loving the OM/OW. What can they do? What SHOULD they do? How long does it take?
Well I have the answer. You go full no contact. You block them in every way you can. You delete their old emails and photos. You do not seek them out at all. And over time, you will begin to see them with 20/20 vision. And the bonds will loosen. And the person you thought you would never stop loving or couldn’t live without will become a person you don’t love and are living quite successfully and happily without.
It works. I feel nothing except perhaps a twinge of pity and contempt. But not love. No fond memories. No lust. No sentimental sighs overcome me when she comes to mine. I wouldn’t want her in my life now even if I was divorced and alone. Ever again. She is nothing to me now but a bad memory and a mistake I regret.
And yes, I acknowledge that my ex-OW was a bunny boiler. Mean, selfish, immature and acted without a shred of grace, dignity and understanding when I ended things with her. And yes, that made it easier to get over her. Truly. And that’s probably why I feel nothing for her now.
But what I’m saying that, even if you part with your illicit lover on good terms, if you stay the course — aggressively implement “no contact”, even if you have fond and good memories of the person,– the feelings of love, intensity and “I can’t live without them” will fade.
It takes will and determination. But yes, it does work. It’s only with aggressively not seeking them out in any way will you get the proper distance to see them more clearly for who they are (good or bad) — and for the affair for what it was — something that was at least half an illusion, fueled by fantasy and ego and maintained by deceit and betrayal. You will finally place it and her/him in their proper context. You may not feel nothing as I do now, but I assure you that you will feel much much less.
It takes time and discipline. You can do it. Stay the course.