Is it better to have the affair discovered or to get away with it and go back to your marriage?

caughtInteresting question. Is it better to have ended the affair and return to your marriage, determined that you will make things better and that this will never happen again, or to have your affair uncovered and the bare truth laid out to your spouse?
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When Your Spouse Refuses to End their Affair and Come Back to You

Arguing-8I get emails almost every day from readers all over the world — to praise my blog, to vent about their situations, but more often than not, to ask for my perspective and help in their personal situations related to infidelity.  I often hear from spouses who have tried various approaches to get their husband or wife to end their affair. And yet, nothing has worked. Either the spouse has refused to end the affair, has begged for more time to make up their mind, or has continued to see the Affair Partner despite promises they would not, or moved out entirely and now lives with the Affair Partner. So they ask me, “What should I do to get my husband (or wife) to come back to the marriage?” Continue reading

After the Affair: Avoiding Even the Appearance of Past Behavior

I listen to a lot of talk radio during my commute on my XM/Sirius radio.  I frequently listen to the radio shrinks who deal with relationships (Dr. Laura, Dr. Jenn, Dr. Joy Browne), and some who aren’t even qualified to do so but do so anyway (Tiffany Granath!!  You’re funny, hon, but you’re not the sharpest tool in the drawer! You shouldn’t be dispensing relationship advice given your history, but I listen anyway because it’s entertaining!). Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 1

divorced-couple-001I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair.  What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery?  About their ex-Other Woman?  My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend.  It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 2

confused-manFor you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife.  Or perhaps you even confessed.  But here you are and now you must face your choices.

What are you feeling right now?  What burdens are you carrying?   This is for you.  Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through.  Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading

After the Affair: Wearing “the Scarlet Letter”

I can’t believe how lucky I have been to have the wife I have. Who, in the face of the single most devastating thing I could’ve done inside the marriage, has shown me courage, love, forgiveness and understanding, even while dealing with her own rage, memories and doubts caused by all of this. She has been amazing, almost from day one. There was never a question in her mind that, despite what I did, that she still loved me and still wanted to be married to me. Continue reading