Forgiving an Affair that Occurred Decades Ago

Twice in the last year, I have been asked by someone how to overcome the recent disclosure that their spouse had an affair many years ago. In one case, about 20 years ago. In another case, 30 years ago (yes, during the first Reagan Administration!).  I guess I was initially puzzled as what to advise.  So I throw this one out to my readers as well.

Re-Blog: My husband’s (the wayward spouse) thoughts on forgiveness

This was really good. I certainly learned much from reading it.  I have not handled these ups and downs as well as this man, though I hope to.  I really did think this was a profound blog entry.

LINK:My husband’s (the wayward spouse) thoughts on forgiveness.

Granting Forgiveness After the Affair

The more I’ve read, the more I’ve learned. And one of the things I ran into on this blog are a series of Betrayed Spouses that refuse to grant forgiveness, and then wonder why their marriages haven’t recovered?  Because withholding forgiveness is power. Because to not forgive is to punish.  And you can’t pursue healing until you forgive.

So I saw this article. I thought it very powerful

Practical Suggestions to Forgive an Affair

I have reprinted this Rick Reynold’s thoughts and articles before.  He is so smart.  If more people followed this guy’s ideas, there would be less pain out there over this.  He emphasizes understanding, compassion, and letting go of the need to “get even” with your spouse, and letting go of focusing on the past (eg, the affair details, the OW/OM) if you are going to move forward.  And for the wayward spouse, the ability to accept responsibility for your actions, showing patience,  and to really  listen even if you feel defensive. All good suggestions.

Forgiving Yourself After the Affair

While discussing the whole situation with my wife last night, she basically told me, “you’re being harder on yourself than even I’ve been….I’ve forgiven you for all of this, but you clearly haven’t forgiven yourself.  And you need to.  Perhaps you should go back to therapy with (my therapist’s name)?”

Forgiveness After the Affair – is it a “Free Pass”?

A reader and frequent commenter here, in response to a blog of mine, got me thinking about the concept of “forgiveness” in the aftermath of an affair.   She wrote,

“Forgiveness has been the hardest part of all of this because I was so confused by what it meant. And I have yet to fully forgive (my husband) because I still feel like it means I’m saying what he did was ok; that I accept it.”

Yesterday, I blogged about the Wayward Spouse forgiving themselves.  Today, what about the Betrayed Spouse “forgiving” the cheater?