“Feedback” from a Reader

AngerI found this in my draft folder. I thought I would publish it a year later anyway. why not?

You gotta love this. I mean, what motivates some of these people?   I can’t imagine why someone would have such hate and vitriol for a stranger. I can’t imagine why my blog’s message of mutual understanding, hope, forgiveness and reconciliation (while being 100% against affairs) is so threatening to someone.  But the world is full of people, and some of them are jerks.

And here’s one: Meet “Allison”.

Entitled: “Will You?”

From Smart ass texan <allisonnow30@gmail.com>
To aftertheaffairadvice <aftertheaffairadvice@hushmail.com>
Sent Monday, April 28, 2014 at 3:37 PM
Encrypted No
Signed No
I wonder when you wife finally awakes up and kicks your sorry , lying, cheating ass out…. will you “updates” on that ?


Gee, Alison, if someone cheated on you, what makes you think you can take it out on me?  That this is either appropriate or effective?  Or that you know anything about me, let alone my wife?

But to answer your question:  Yes, I did an awful thing (I guess you yourself have never told a lie, hurt anyone or made a mistake? I’m guessing you have).  Something that I will always regret.  I  have remorse for that. Shame. Guilt. And my wife has something you know nothing about:  Depth, character, and the ability to forgive.   It was her decision to allow me to stay. Her decision to join me in some radical honesty, and to not just reconcile, but to explore how and where our marriage went wrong and how to address those deficiencies.  She took her part of her responsibility for our marriage going off the tracks, which was the backdrop to what I did.  And I took my share of that responsibility too.  But I never blamed her for my poor decision. For the affair.

I guess for people like you, someone else is always to blame. And you yourself are perfect.  That’s the definition of sociopath.

But again, why on earth would you think that an anonymous email from a stranger would make any impression upon me at all? I  didn’t start this blog to seek the forgiveness of my readers. I only sought that from my wife.  For the rest? I offer my blog, for which I get dozens of “thank you notes” every week to balance the occasional douche-nozzle like yourself. This is merely a sample of what I receive. It tends to tell me that what I’m doing is not only correct but helpful.

I don’t require people to read my blog or follow my advice.  It’s an option.   I suggest you exercise your option NOT to read my blog, if it, me, or my message of hope, forgiveness, understanding and reconciliation upsets you. I assure you, not you or a 100 jerks like you will ever sway me from my work  here.  So save your breath and your key-strokes.

I wish you good luck and pray that you learn some maturity and humbleness.  It will suit you better than nastiness and get you further.

9 thoughts on ““Feedback” from a Reader

  1. When I first read your intro I thought you had encountered our favorite troll. She hates cheaters and OW alike and loves to condemn and judge us all equally and often. I thought for sure that is who you were talking about. I just ignore the people who are negative. I wish wordpress allowed you to block people. Instead I use the blacklist option! 🙂

    Great response!

    • Yes, I thought it would be illustrative to my readers and 4,500 visitors a day to see the kind of jerks, assholes and the mentally ill that wander into my blog occasionally.

      You should’ve seen this jerk’s followup response here. I’m tempted to print it if only to refute the absurd nature of it, line by line. Pretty much nothing in it is true. this is just a sad, mentally unbalanced person with some ax to grind with people like me. Oh well. It’s a free country.

      I guess I’ve never understood why some come here and mischaracterize me, my message and the blog. I have always maintained that cheating is never justified, always taken 100% responsibility for my poor choices. I have been diligently self-critical throughout my journey and on this blog. I’ve never bragged about it or taken victory laps, or encouraged cheating in any way. So it tends to boggle my mind when I get silly-ass comments like that, which 99% of the time, go straight to the trash and spam bins. My message is about hope. Mutual understanding. Forgiveness. A BETTER life after the affair for all involved. Not the nonsense and hate spread by people like her.

      why she bothers to read my blog, let alone try and post comments up here is also beyond me. As if I would post them!! LOL.

      You can disagree with me. But you have to be fair, civil and accurate. If you aren’t, you won’t get space here.

      • I agree, I have never known you to condone affairs, but I think you take objective look and try to understand why and how they happen. Which is a good thing. I also think you owned your responsibility, but you also recognize that not all the responsibility lies on the WS, sometimes the BS has some ownership in what caused the affair. There is never an excuse for cheating and betraying the one that you love and have made a committment to, but there is a such thing is understanding why it happened and trying to make changes so that it doesn’t happen again. I think you express that well in your blog.

  2. She is angry and taking it out on you, someone who admits their infidelity. I think it takes a big person to admit their mistakes, much less share them with the world. Thank you for your blog and for sharing your experience. I struggle daily with my husbands affair. He takes full ownership of his poor choices and has done everything a person seeking forgiveness for infidelity shoukd be doing, but it has been 8 months and I still feel hurt, scared, and shocked. How did your wife overcome those feelings? I’m
    Not a petty, unforgiving person, I’m just struggling because I love my husband. Any advice would be appreciated.


    • I get a lot of strength & inspiration from this blog: http://itsnottheend.com/

      This post of April 10th has become my daily affirmation (pasting below). I think it’s something couples recovering from infidelity should print out and stick on the fridge to read daily, and keep at the back of their minds during every post D-day interaction:

      “Be a lover, not a fighter
      April 10, 2014
      If I had a lame self-helpy slogan to trumpet, it would be this: Create a context for recovery.

      Every day, every moment, every conversation, we choose. We choose how to address our partner. We choose what to rehash and what to let silently simmer. Sometimes, we choose whether to let pain and it’s big sister rage takeover or, instead, to let our own better judgment prevail. That these are choices does not mean they are easy choices…it simply means that we still have agency in our own lives, irrespective of the tumult and heartbreak.

      Agency is everything. So often people hit by infidelity feel a loss of control over their lives, their relationships, and their future. It’s a natural reaction to the trauma of learning that your relationship is not, and may never be, what you believed it to be. But, seriously, this disappointment is bad enough, don’t compound it with the fallacy that you do not have control.

      When a trauma happens, on either side of this type of transaction, our resources are depleted. Days, weeks, months of arguing, second guessing, disbelieving…that takes a physical, intellectual, and emotional toll. Our energy, our faculties, our very identity are compromised. So how do we make good decisions about our relationship and our future under these ludicrous circumstances? We don’t. Not immediately.

      Instead, we make seemingly insignificant choice after insignificant choice. For example, we decide to get out of bed. We decide to put on clean clothes rather than stay in the ones we slept in. We decide to go for a run when it’s the last thing we want to do. We decide to be present with our children rather than internally rehash last night’s argument while smiling and nodding at them. We decide. Which means we do have agency, not in all areas, but in the small ones that can begin to redefine and build ourselves anew.

      So here’s the most important application of this choosing business: When you are discussing the affair with your partner, choose what it is you say carefully. Try (hard) not to indulge the momentum of argument and anger. Try to listen to your inner voice when it observes that what you are about to say is gratifying to you but is neither productive nor conducive to recovering (personally or as a couple). Listen when you feel the tingle of a verbal dagger resting in your palm. And, choose. Take back your life and choose to take the conversation a direction that is slightly better than the place you currently live…no matter how slight the improvement. Choose to be understanding and to hear your partner rather than rattle off her sins because it hurts too much to think of anything else. Choose and believe that your choices will take you where you want to eventually go. You’ll find that a recognizable you still lingers in this temporal disaster. However, sometimes even that recognition has to come, contrary to a wave of powerful sentiment, only after choosing to see it.”

  3. So your hate-mailer is obviously illiterate, there’s that. I hope she’s not blogging? Our therapist says intelligence helps a lot. I guess he wasn’t exaggerating.

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