To Confess or Not Confess Your Affair

CheatingWifeRevenge“Should I confess my affair to my spouse/partner??” This is a vexing question for many.  Of course, I will have the chorus of the usual crowd of Betrayed Spouses that visit (and sometimes attempt to bomb) my blog say, “YES OF COURSE! YOU MUST TELL! ALWAYS! NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY!”  And they may have a point. It’s better to be honest.  Living a lie is bad.  Basing a marriage on a big lie (or a series of them) isn’t just bad, it’s abusive. Continue reading

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Forgiving an Affair that Occurred Decades Ago

coupleTwice in the last year, I have been asked by someone how to overcome the recent disclosure that their spouse had an affair many years ago. In one case, about 20 years ago. In another case, 30 years ago (yes, during the first Reagan Administration!).  I guess I was initially puzzled as what to advise.  So I throw this one out to my readers as well. Continue reading

When Your Best Friend is Having an Affair

consoling_friend
I’ve had this question several times by email — “What should I do? My best friend is having an affair.  Should I tell his/her spouse?”  Or maybe your sister or brother. Or sister-in-law.  Etc.  Someone you’re very close to.    I’ve also seen this question in variations in the search engine requests that lead people to my blog. It’s a tough one.  I DO think it’s situational to some extent — there is no one answer — but I think I’d still like to weigh in on it.
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Affair Recovery: Getting Over The Other Woman

woman_in_shadow_by_isabellaspace-d5e7nppI post very little about my affair or myself any longer.  I wanted the blog to be not about me, but about the topic — to help others get out of infidelity, avoid it altogether or heal from it.  So I say very little about my affair, my wife, my recovery or “her.”  Its been more than 900 days since D-day and when I cut things off with “her”. My marriage has recovered well. We don’t talk about “it”.  It’s very much in the rear view mirror for us. Continue reading

One for the Readers: Reaction to the Story “My Wife is Cheating”

g-questionsAs some of you may know, I get private emails from readers – cheaters and betrayed spouses alike, and almost in equal amounts — asking for my reaction, to thank me, to ask for my help or just to vent about infidelity issues that touched their lives.  I get far more emails than comments on the blog entries, in fact. People would rather not vent their personal struggles out in the open.  Even anonymously.  And I respect that. I’ve never outed anyone that’s written me, I’ve always protected people’s privacy.  Even the jerks. Continue reading

Interview After the Affair: Mike’s Affair Story

ImageI hope to create a series of these — sort of an “In their own words” kind of blog entries– for former cheaters, current cheaters, the Other Woman/Other Man, maybe betrayed spouses (although they never seem to be without venues for their stories and opinions, so maybe not).  this is the first one.  Through it, I hope to put real faces, real emotions and thoughts to a complex issue.  For my readers to gain insight into the minds of people involved in infidelity.   Continue reading

Engaging in a Revenge Affair and Why it Won’t Work

revengeThe Revenge affair.  An eye for an eye.   Adult “tit for tat.”   These are affairs done in retaliation for a partner’s affair or due to mistreatment by the marital partner. In many cases, a Betrayed Spouse has an affair to “even the score” — and may make sure that their Wayward Spouse knows they did it.

But it’s a dangerous, immature and self-defeating response to being cheated on, which can backfire in many ways.

These actions almost always lead to separation and divorce.

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Recovery of Trust After an Affair

ImageMany couples that have been through infidelity want to restore trust after an affair but find this to be the most difficult part of rebuilding their marriage. More specifically, the injured spouse, the one that was cheated on, almost always finds it impossible to trust his or her partner. This is one of the most difficult parts because the partner has already shown that they were untrustworthy in the past. How can they be trusted again?

Unfortunately, without learning how to trust again, it will be impossible to rebuild the marriage. It’s a waste of your time and theirs. It’s that simple. Continue reading