Forgiving an Affair that Occurred Decades Ago

Twice in the last year, I have been asked by someone how to overcome the recent disclosure that their spouse had an affair many years ago. In one case, about 20 years ago. In another case, 30 years ago (yes, during the first Reagan Administration!).  I guess I was initially puzzled as what to advise.  So I throw this one out to my readers as well.

One for the Readers: Reaction to the Story “My Wife is Cheating”

As some of you may know, I get private emails from readers – cheaters and betrayed spouses alike, and almost in equal amounts — asking for my reaction, to thank me, to ask for my help or just to vent about infidelity issues that touched their lives.  I get far more emails than comments on the blog entries, in fact. People would rather not vent their personal struggles out in the open.  Even anonymously.  And I respect that. I’ve never outed anyone that’s written me, I’ve always protected people’s privacy.  Even the jerks.

An Affair Not Over: Gary’s Story

Another the series I’ve been writing lately – personal interviews (by email) of former or current Cheaters.

Engaging in a Revenge Affair and Why it Won’t Work

The Revenge affair.  An eye for an eye.   Adult “tit for tat.”   These are affairs done in retaliation for a partner’s affair or due to mistreatment by the marital partner. In many cases, a Betrayed Spouse has an affair to “even the score” — and may make sure that their Wayward Spouse knows they did it.

But it’s a dangerous, immature and self-defeating response to being cheated on, which can backfire in many ways.

These actions almost always lead to separation and divorce.

The Seven Types of Affairs

Yes, there are different types of affairs!  It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same.   As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair.  I think  that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go?  Answer the question of who they are really married to? 

Why do so many people cheat?

Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. We abhor it, yet we want to hear all about it. We love the topic. It’s on the news, the web, movies, and on TV. We can’t get enough of it. But while we often get the details of “who” the infidelity involves and “how” it was carried off, the question of “why” is the most vexing.

When a Cheating Spouse Shows No Remorse

After receiving a number of emailed questions from Betrayed Spouses, it occurred to me that there is an issue out there that I haven’t read much about:  When your Wayward Spouse claims to want to save the marriage, has ended the affair, but does not show or state real remorse for what they did.  It can be enraging and confusing. 

More Affair Search Terms People Use to Reach My Blog and My Responses

In lieu of getting ideas for posts, or having people sending me email questions to respond to here (mostly they would rather not have their questions end up on my blog, and I respect that), I go through the list on my dashboard of recent search engine terms that have led people to my blog.

And respond to them quickly. Kind of like “Drive-By Advice”.  This is part III.

Disclosing the Affair to the Spouse of Your Spouse’s Affair Partner

I received an email question on an interesting question which seems to break strongly into a couple of camps.  The question, when the spouse of the person your spouse cheated with doesn’t know about the affair, should you tell this person what had been going on?

When Your Spouse Refuses to End their Affair and Come Back to You

I get emails almost every day from readers all over the world — to praise my blog, to vent about their situations, but more often than not, to ask for my perspective and help in their personal situations related to infidelity.  I often hear from spouses who have tried various approaches to get their husband or wife to end their affair. And yet, nothing has worked. Either the spouse has refused to end the affair, has begged for more time to make up their mind, or has continued to see the Affair Partner despite promises they would not, or moved out entirely and now lives with the Affair Partner. So they ask me, “What should I do to get my husband (or wife) to come back to the marriage?”