In lieu of getting ideas for posts, or having people sending me email questions to respond to here (mostly they would rather not have their questions end up on my blog, and I respect that), I go through the list on my dashboard of recent search engine terms that have led people to my blog.
And respond to them quickly. Kind of like “Drive-By Advice”. This is part III.
“affair partner threatens to reveal affair” – If your AP is threatening to reveal your affair to your spouse, boss, or whomever, this is the sign to get out now. Anyone who would make this sort of threat is cruel, manipulative and self-centered. This is more than a red flag, my friend. This is a whole sea of them.
“how to end an affair and stay friends” – This rarely works out. Why? Because once you crossed that line into an affair, you can’t just go back. And rarely do BOTH people really commit themselves to this new, lesser status. One or both usually just give lip service to the idea of being friends now only in order to stay close to the other person, hoping at some point things will reignite. You really want to get past an affair and make things work in your marriage? You have to cut it off. Completely. At all levels.
“why men don’t show guilt after affair” – Rather broad statement isn’t it? I think it’s wrong. Most men show guilt after an affair (as do women). Maybe YOURS doesn’t because he doesn’t really feel guilty about it. In his mind, what he did was probably very justified. Meaning that whatever the reason was is still present. It’s up to you to decided if you can stay with someone who thinks having an affair was justified. Personally, I don’t think such a situation will last very long.
“what to do when the mistress won’t let my husband go” – Unless she’s holding a gun to his head, he can go whenever he wishes. Nobody can hold anyone against their will. They have to want to be held. Focus not on the mistress but on your husband. She’s not the cause of your problems, but a symptom of one.
“why do married men who have emotional affairs do they leave their marriage” – Some do, some don’t. Some are forced out of their marriages by the affair’s discovery. I would say this — people often have an affair as an “exit strategy” — they are already highly dissatisfied with their marriages, but it takes having an affair to make it even more plain that they don’t wish to be married and to prove to themselves that there is probably something better out their for them. So the affair is the final blow to something that was already teetering. They don’t let go of one vine until they firmly have a grip on the next vine. It happens. Sorry.
“should i contact my husbands affair partner” – No. Why would you? To what end? Looking for an apology? You probably won’t get one. Looking for more information on the affair? Your focus is in the wrong place. Focus it on your marriage, not the symptom of marital problems. It is interesting how often a hurting mate will believe that the affair partner is going to tell the truth and sorrowfully see the error of his or her ways having realized the pain he or she has caused. Quite the opposite, it is not uncommon for the affair partner to lie and manipulate the situation. The Affair Partner, in fact, may tell you half the story, or complete lies, in order to unhinge you and ruin your marital reconciliation. Maybe because they still want your spouse for themselves. Or maybe because they think you are simply the wrong spouse for their former lover. Or maybe because they just don’t like you. So why assume that they will disclose the truth to you? Hoping they will feel truly sorry and tell you so? Very unlikely. They too had, in their mind, legitimate reasons for pursuing a relationship with your spouse. They are unlikely to admit to you that they were wrong. If you’re looking for some sort of closure with this person, don’t bother. Leave them alone. “No Contact” with the affair partner includes you too, not just your spouse.
“why are some men afraid to give details of their affair even after their wife knows” – I wrote a whole blog entry on this. Go read it. In short, it’s because of fear that you will not use the details appropriately, but instead castigate and humiliate your spouse with them. Fear that the details will derail potential marital reconciliation. Fear that the details will put images into your head you will never be able to get rid of. And yeah, most Waywards would like to put the affair behind them and try and save the marriage. Scrutinizing every salacious detail of the affair tends to put reconciliation into reverse. Or kills it entirely.
“why married men don’t want their wife to find out about affair” – Duh. Does anyone want their spouse to know? I think the answer is self-evident. Cheaters usually feel guilty about what they are doing. They want their needs met, but they certainly don’t want anyone hurt (yes, including you), or their lives to be thrown into chaos by disclosure. Fear is a strong motivator in many situations in life.
“why would the other woman stalk and harass me and my husband now that the affair is over” – Because she “lost.” Because her ego can’t take the rejection. Because maybe she hopes that if she harasses you long enough, your marital reconciliation will fall apart and he will return to her. I suffered through this myself. People that do this are immature, lack basic grace and compassion, and are motivated by anything but “love.” This is the classic sociopath.
“my wife had the affair but blames me” – Written about this a lot. I hear it a lot. I’m not sure they are “blaming” you for the affair as much as they are saying — “If you had paid more attention to my most critical needs, the environment where an affair became an attractive option to me might not have existed.” Marital issues are by far the main reason why affairs occur, but are not an excuse. I hope you are hearing your wife clearly. She is 100% responsible for her poor decision and needs to own it. But you need to own the fact that you are at least 50% responsible for your lousy marriage such that an affair was allowed to interfere too. Shared responsibility here. Betrayeds often have a hard time with this concept because it requires being truthful with yourself and your spouse, looking in the mirror, humility, strength and courage. And yeah compassion. It’s easier to be the victim and be angry than to do that.
That being said, have any of you watched that tv show “Cheaters?” Invariably, when a woman is caught cheating she almost invariably turns it back on her partner and immediately blames him. When a man is the cheater, he almost always looks guilty and tries to talk his way out of it, but doesn’t go after his partner. I’ve always found that startling. Are there gender differences in how one justifies an affair in one’s mind? Maybe. I know a “small community” of former cheaters here and at a message board. ALL the men I’ve met are sorry they had the affair. Many of the women are not. I’ve found this an interesting phenomenon.
“my x affair partner wont leave me alone” – if they won’t leave you alone, and you’ve told them to leave you alone, I suggest contacting a lawyer and taking them to Court for a Restraining Order. It will stop the harassment in almost every case.
“what behaviour should i expect from my husband after an affair”. 1. Remorse for what he did. 2. Taking steps to show you that he is leading a more honest, authentic and open life — no more lies or secrets 3. Absolutely have cut off the affair and all contact with the affair partner. 4. Showing the wilingless to take all necessary steps to make amends to you and to make you feel safe again and to “fix” whatever issues you had in the marriage. If you don’t have those in place, all of them, then you have no chance.
“Who is the Recovering Wayward in the blog?” Unlike most of the “affair-related blogs”, this blog isn’t about me, really. It is only very indirectly and as a bi-product of what I went through. The focus of the blog instead is on providing resources and ideas to help others — both Betrayed and Wayward — to avoid affairs, get out of affairs, and heal from them. My identity would detract from that purpose. I’m just a middle-aged man, not different from many of you, trying to navigate my way through the worst personal crisis of my life and marriage, trying to help my wife get through the betrayal, and as part of my personal penance, trying to help others. That’s all anyone needs to know.