Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

I think this man’s article is largely accurate and worth reading. I could quibble here and there, but it’s blunt, to the point, and should serve as a warning to anyone considering an affair.<

AFFAIRCARE

This article is so good, I am reblogging it here, word for word.  The original author is Rod Arters, and his blog is “The Official blog of Rod Arters.”  Catchy name, hey?  😀   So enjoy–here it is exactly as written:
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It seems that every 3 months or so we learn of another celebrity caught cheating on his or her spouse.  To say adultery is an epidemic in our current culture is an understatement.  And it doesn’t seem to be a respecter of position.  Regardless of what we do for a living, (Politicians, Pastors, teachers, athletes, actors, musicians, etc) cheaters are in our midst.   It seems to be so prevalent today that the question isn’t who is cheating but rather – who isn’t?

Too many treat their most important relationships casually and their commitments to them…

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7 thoughts on “Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

  1. It’s good but as someone who was betrayed I wonder if these don’t come as a ‘day late and a dollar short.’ In my case it seems like my husband KNEW what was ahead and didn’t care. Now he says he has regrets but when I saw him slipping further and further into his cheating and I implored him to stop he told me that NO ONE could change his mind. He said he didnt care what anyone thought. So then are these words not enough? What in your opinion does it take to STOP oneself, in the throes of lust filled attraction, from something they know will hurt them and those who love them?

    • If only it was only that simple. It’s not. It’s true, when you are a person starving within a relationship to have your needs met, and someone swoops in and meets them, you can’t tell the person anything related to stopping. Words are probably too late at that point.

      However, it’s possible. I think this article is blunt and puts it together in one place very nicely. Better than I’ve written, although I tried. Including things that cheaters DIDN’T stop and think about before they embarked on their affair. I know I didn’t. yes, I knew SOME of this, but nobody was there to really stop me. I felt torn internally about what I was doing and PANICKED too. I wanted my needs met, and my wife seemed only semi-interested in me, and I didn’t want to hurt her and break up my family either. Naively, as I got caught up in something that I never planned to do, I thought I could manage the double-life so that nobody was hurt. This was, of course, very naive, but the mind-set of someone in the throes of an affair is not by definition very rational. Emotions take over. Endorphins are flooding your brain. Rational thought, and words of warning, go out the window. Nobody could’ve stopped me. No friend. No minister. And certainly no blog article. I never once searched on google on “how to avoid an affair”. Not even once. For the first time in years, I felt alive again and I was going forward, despite the dangers. But even then, I hadn’t REALLY thought through all the consequences either. Maybe I should have. Maybe it would’ve stopped me. Maybe. I dunno. It all seems like a blur now.

      So perhaps this article will work on those who have yet to really go down that road yet. For those for whom it’s not too late and no significant lines have yet to be crossed.

      It might also work for those already in one for a while and already are torn with doubts about what they are doing. And need some common sense to give them the “push” to get out.

      So I think it’s possible. But yes the fog in your head is strong. Few cheaters think they will ever really be caught and even if they are torn about what they are doing, and panicked by the consequences of being discovered, they tend to push those thoughts aside and single-mindedly pursue the affair. Rational thought often stands no chance in an affair. But sometimes, glimmers of it can get through and make a difference.

      But as I’ve often said. No two affairs are alike. No two people are alike. Sometimes this stuff helps people, other times it doesn’t. I know numerous people who are blatantly unrepentant about their affairs. Many of whom are in blog land. Curiously, all but one are women. The stuff in this article would probably have no effect on them. But on others, hopefully yes. I’ve seen people turn away from the path before it was too late too.

      • You’re right. I tried to intercede and help my husband to talk about what was going on. He was like a crazed addict – nothing could stop him. I told him all of these things – that he would the lose the respect of family, friends, colleagues and one day, our daughters. I told him he would suffer financial and professionally. He did get an STD and he did give it to me. I told him people would think he is a liar – but he’s a lawyer so maybe that doesn’t bother him?! 😉 That’s my little joke to keep me sane.

        Anyway, long story short, I told him all of these things. But yet he still lied, denied the affair and told me I was nuts. Before our Dday #1 I asked our closest friends, men, to talk to him to see if they could help. He lied to them too. I could clearly see he was unhappy, being self destructive and generally just hated what was happening in HIS life so in turn he wanted to blame me for his problems. The OW helped him do that. They both wanted to hurt me and he thought he would rebuild a new life with his OW. Hurting me was bad enough but purposefully abandoning his very young daughters, telling the OW that he wanted to get her pregnant, well that one killed me, it was like he wanted to ERASE our existence. Basically reboot his life and start over. That’s the hardest to get over. He says he wants to make things right. But when you know that someone SAID, WROTE and TOLD people that they “couldn’t stand you” and seeing them plan a new life with you or your kids? he even wanted to replace the dogs? that’s a very very hard rejection to get over. and i struggle with it every single day. i could forgive the sex. its the rejection and the replacement that hurts the most.

      • Yes, an addict. That’s exactly what most of us were like. And you can’t talk to an addict and convince them of anything when all they want is their next “fix.” And like an addict, strange things will come out of our mouths and from our fingers. And yes, like an addict, you have to WANT to fundamentally change yourself and your life, and it’s hard work.

        Good input. thanks. Sorry for your struggles.

    • “Basically reboot his life and start over.” I felt that way too. I just recently was in a very short affair. I was not looking for this to happen, but the unmet needs (and emotional abuse from my husband) left me starving for kindness and for some one to treat me as though I was special. It made me want out of my marriage immediately. I think that timing also has a lot to do with it. Mid-life really makes people think about whether they want to live the same way for the rest of their life, or whether they should take a chance on something that feels so revitalizing and amazing. Feeling so attractive and attracted to another person makes you feel like a person again. I feel like I would have walked away from my husband, had the OM wanted this. (Not sure, though, had it actually gone that far.)
      I kind of think that some people just have to go through this and it forces a decision (or its made for you) but it causes you to really look at your situation, and (at some point) to consciously make a decision for the life you want to lead-both of you. As hard as it is, it is a decision and a process that you may need to go through based on your relationship/life issues/problems. Even if the other person’s rejection took you there. You have to decide how to move forward with your life. The loss of the affair or near loss of marriage may help some to decide that their life with their spouse is worth fixing, and help them to by recommit. Both spouses. There are no guaranties in life. Spouses can leave you or even die. It is up to each of us to live purposefully and treat each other like we WANT to be there, or else stop wasting time. (and stop abusing each other.)

      I think most people experiencing the feeling that a beginning affair brings would react the same way. “Love” is very hard to explain or resist. The best we can do is to make our spouses truly feel loved and them us, but even then there are no guaranties. We unfortunately have to deal. Especially in todays times where people don’t feel washed up after the kids are grown, or we see that getting a divorce doesn’t mean your life is over. Life brings all kinds of hardship we need to live through. As much as I think the “Norman Rockwell” image is beautiful, I think pretending is bad and harmful to everyone.. That’s how people wind up on the murder shows. With you kids not even knowing anything was ever wrong.

  2. I can relate to you in that our experiences were very similar. I totally agree that pretending is bad and harmful in a marriage. I don’t know about you but neither my spouse or I have been able to pretend the affair didn’t happen. I wish the hell I could pretend sometimes. It might temporarily be easier on all parties involved. It’s not the answer though. I believe that in order to fully learn from the experience both partner’s must experience the stages of grief and the WS must figure out why it happened, process the emotion’s, and work with their partner to remedy the the the issues that helped lead to the affair.

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