More Q&As from my mail bag and other sources

polls_direct_mail_3902_502833_answer_2_xlargeI get so many emails now I can’t barely keep up. I try and answer all of them.  But I also get some common questions that I answer privately that might be of interest to my readers here. Plus, I pay attention to the search engine terms that lead people to my blog every week, which often are questions themselves.  So here are very short answers to some random infidelity questions.

How do i stop my woman from spying on me?  First, by insisting that it stops. Dealing with it rationally as an adult. And yeah, there are lots of software, some of which is free, which you can sweep your computer and your cell phone to see if any type of key-logger and tracker has been secretly installed on it.  But the larger issue is this. Why tolerate? It’s a horrible thing to have done to anyone. If you don’t trust someone, dump them, don’t spy on them. If someone is spying on you, dump them.  Why would you want to be with someone who treats you this way?   I am constantly amazed by people who justify doing this nonsense to someone they claim they love.

A longer discussion about the ethics of spying found here:

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/05/21/spying-and-snooping-on-your-spouse/

Also related: Privacy is not the same as “secrecy”. Appreciate the difference.

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/12/23/privacy-vs-secrecy/

Why would a single man want a married woman?   Any number of reasons. But mostly because they are an easy mark, and you get a lot of passionate sex and don’t have to worry about a “relationship”.  You will be in control.  That’s pretty much the long and the short of it.

See https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2014/02/12/when-single-men-have-affairs-with-married-women/

What about “mate poaching”?  Can you write about women who try and steal husbands?   I could, but I haven’t.  But part of the problem is, I don’t really believe in the concept.  In my book,  nobody steals anybody, people decide to leave.   Yes, certainly some people are very clever and very manipulative and do set out to destroy somebody marriage and take the mate for themselves.  However I also believe this:   Unless your spouse is a nitwit, nobody can steal them. They have to agree to it, or not. If they are a nitwit, you have other marital issues anyway.

If my wife left me for another man, I certainly would not blame him. I would blame her 100% because she has a brain and can make your own choices. I myself was the victim of a very manipulative other woman. Who definitely did all in her power to try and steal me, including dirty tricks and lies. She was not an innocent bystander in what was going on. But every choice I made was my choice. While my wife certainly does not feel very positive about her (and would love to give her a piece of her mind even now), the blame for my choices lies squarely with me, and it should.  I think there is a tendency to over-blame the Other Man/Other Woman when a spouse strays that’s rooted in a human desire to shift blame away from ourselves.  While hardly an innocent bystander, unless your spouse is a complete pea-wit, nobody can “steal” anyone, and they can’t be held accountable for your spouse’s decisions.   Wasting mental energy and actual time on the OM/OW?? It’s just that. A waste.  Put the focus where it should be. On your spouse, their choices, but especially why the affair occurred. You’ll get further than wasting time stalking, confronting and blaming the third party.

See  https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/blaming-the-other-woman-or-other-man-for-your-spouses-affair/

He cheated and doesn’t feel guilty and has never apologized.   Lack of remorse for an affair to me, would not only be a deal-breaker, but would mean that reconciliation is impossible. If he’s not sorry, how are you suppose to forgive, rebuild and move forward?  The larger question is — why are you still there?  I get this question a lot, especially when the wife is the cheater.  The lack of remorse for an affair might be reality, but to me, you can’t reconcile without it. You can’t forgive.

Why don’t you write about your affair more than you have?  My original blog was more about my affair, my marital recovery, and the various dick moves by the spurned Other Woman. But I decided that I wanted my blog to be more about the topic and helping others and not really about me.  You can get glimpses of my story here and there, but that’s now where I want the focus of this to be.  My affair is well in our rearview mirror.  We’re moving forward and we don’t dwell on it any longer, so I don’t care to write it about it anymore. I however have answered direct questions about it as it relates to a topic I’ve posted here. I deleted 90% of the posts from 2 years that were about my affair, or have set them to private.

Can I remain friends with my Affair Partner now that it’s over?   No, you can’t. I think it’s foolish in the extreme, and frankly, not being very honest with yourself.  Once you cross that line, you can’t go back. Being friends will be a bit of a mirage and an attempt to fool yourself. The affair will still be going on, essentially, but an emotional one now.  The affair at a reduced level, but an affair, nevertheless. Even if you don’t refer to it as an affair, it still is. You’d still be getting the emotional goodies that you got from her when it was a full blown affair. And you’ll never get over someone except when there is no contact. No contact means NO contact. Including dumping old emails, texts, and pictures. Let alone the fact that you will never be able to recover/improve your marriage as long as there is anyone else in the picture.  Especially an affair partner.  Walk away. Tell her that you are. But you have to do it. Sorry.

Why is my wife still so devastated years after my affair?   I have no idea. Only she can answer that question.  Have you done the 5 things I list in my topmost blog entry?  Have you avoided the 20 mistakes I posted that former cheaters make? Has she avoided the 21 mistakes that betrayed spouses make that can derail reconciliation?

I will say this– some people are predisposed to not forgive by nature. And without forgiveness, there is no reconciliation.  Some people are angry and they want to be angry.  Being the eternal victim has power and allure to some. To forgive would force some to look in the mirror and that’s frankly hard for a lot of people. I see it on the blogs here all the time.  Yes, there is a time for anger, but years later??  It’s not normal. It’s not healthy.  The larger question is this:  Why are you still there?  How can you live with someone who, years later, still can’t get past it?  I saw one person here who used to go on and on about her husband’s affair — which occurred in 1983!!  Seriously?  Life is too short to dwell on ANYTHING that long or anyone.

If I was betrayed, and years later, still couldn’t get past it, I would be the one to leave.  Forget the stress and effort it takes to torture your spouse that long, I personally wouldn’t want to live that way. Life is too short.  Only you can answer why she can’t.  Have you done all you can?  Has she? If not, then you must. If one of you can’t, it’s probably time to call it a day, no?

Is masturbation with porn cheating? Of course it isn’t. It’s a normal adult behavior, assuming its done in addition to a normal, mutually satisfying sex life, instead of replacing one. The opposition to porn — usually female opposition – and calling it cheating, is rooted in a fundamental misunderstanding of male sexuality and in female insecurity. Men and women approach sex very differently. Understanding those differences will make for a better relationship.

See: https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/porn-as-cheating-and-male-sexuality/

Why is sex so important to my husband? My question is, why isn’t it important to you? Look, I don’t think that sex is everything. It isn’t. It’s not even the primary thing in a marriage, but I think it’s a fundamental thing. A leg on a stool. Without it, the stool likely collapses. It’s the “glue” that holds a romantic liaison together, but it’s not the only ingredient.

See https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/sex-is-the-glue-in-a-marriage/

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