If you think in any way I’m excusing affairs. I’m not. Let me be completely frank about affairs: They are 100% WRONG! Continue reading
Yes, there are different types of affairs! It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same. As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair. I think that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go? Answer the question of who they are really married to? Continue reading
If you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do. You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it. Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time. A year or more. While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading
This blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery. Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair, but thrive after it. I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it. Continue reading
Sex IS the “glue” in a marriage!! It is fundamental. A leg of the chair that is your relationship. Sex is certainly not everything, and in the greater scheme of a marriage, it’s actually a pretty small part of the overall interaction between two people, but, truly, sex is what holds all the rest together. Continue reading
I’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past. Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey. It was still a process.
I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?” Continue reading
Frequent questions I hear on other blogs and message boards — Whether cheaters feel, or felt, honest and true love for their affair partner. Continue reading
I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair. What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery? About their ex-Other Woman? My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend. It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading
For you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife. Or perhaps you even confessed. But here you are and now you must face your choices.
What are you feeling right now? What burdens are you carrying? This is for you. Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through. Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading
“The Semi-happy Marriage: Too safe to leave, too boring to stay. A business partnership at best.”
The “Semi-Happy Marriage has become common these days and is one of the most common situations that lead to affairs and/or divorce, according to relationship experts.
All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful. Continue reading
This post was generated by a number of things that I’ve been seeing on blogs and message boards. Waywards (former cheaters) lamenting about their ex-Affair Partner. Most of them stating that they are trying to make amends to their spouses (or in some cases, the spouses still don’t know about the affair) and recommitting themselves to their marriage, but still unable to “get over” their ex-Affair Partner. Continue reading
While discussing the whole situation with my wife last night, she basically told me, “you’re being harder on yourself than even I’ve been….I’ve forgiven you for all of this, but you clearly haven’t forgiven yourself. And you need to. Perhaps you should go back to therapy with (my therapist’s name)?” Continue reading
“Forgiveness has been the hardest part of all of this because I was so confused by what it meant. And I have yet to fully forgive (my husband) because I still feel like it means I’m saying what he did was ok; that I accept it.”
Yesterday, I blogged about the Wayward Spouse forgiving themselves. Today, what about the Betrayed Spouse “forgiving” the cheater? Continue reading
First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook. Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses. Or that only men are susceptible to affairs. Not true. I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV. Truly. I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so. That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists. What is the common thread for why most men cheat? Continue reading
The concept in short? Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship. Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship. Continue reading
Often I hear people — whether they have cheated or not — say something like “I don’t feel the spark in my marriage any more. It’s not like it used to be.” Sometimes this is said as the “reason” for having an affair — they no longer feel attracted to their spouse, and they don’t feel desired by their spouse who seems indifferent, if not downright hostile, to sex. What was once a horny GF or BF who cared about their appearance and couldn’t take their hands off you, has become an uninteresting, interested spouse who no longer cares much about their appearance and treats sex with you as if it was a chore. And this will leave any relationship vulnerable to an affair, a divorce, or both. Good article on the concept below. Continue reading
I’m amazed that the number of hits my blog is getting continues to grow and is about 2,000 hits per day and coming up on 300,000 hits for the year. Yet, I add very few blog entries any longer. And some have questioned whether I’m still here (I am). Why don’t I add too many entires? Well, first, unlike almost all blogs on infidelity out there, mine isn’t about me any more. It’s only about the subject in general.
I can’t think of anything to write about that in one way or another I already have. I’ve run out of ideas.
Do my readers have any ideas? I’d like to hear them. Maybe I could write about them to add to the understanding of the issue of infidelity.
I get emails every day, from all over the world, asking for my assistance and advice. Both from Betrayed and Wayward alike, but I don’t like taking a private email and turning it into a question without asking. I do look at the search engine queries that lead some to my sight, but I think they are either too specific, too vague, or I’ve covered them before. Like here’s a sampling from yesterday:
* How long does it take to get over an affair (I think I’ve covered that. But I don’t have a crystal ball anyway)
* What percentage of affairs work out? (covered that)
* Will he come back to his mistress? (I have no idea)
* How I got back at my cheating husband (covered. People who pursue revenge are immature nitwits)
* Husband has no remorse (covered)
So again, if there’s something I haven’t covered, perhaps I might. Be kind. Try and submit honest questions: Not something that is really just a put down of cheaters, betrayeds, genders, etc. I don’t want to hear something like, “I’d like you to address why all men are fucking pigs and cheaters!”. Such comments will be directed to spam as will any future submissions from the readers.
Honest thoughts and ideas, please.
I’ve seen a number of newspaper articles related to someone assaulting their spouse whom cheated or suspected of cheating. And of course, the assaulting spouse trying to justify it. And usually with a lot of “YOU GO, GIRL!” types of supporting comments when the woman conducts the assault, as if there’s some gender-based rules for when assault is ok or legal (newsflash: it’s not). I wonder if they feel the same when they hear of a wife being assaulted by a jealous husband? It’s quite beyond the pale. Assault is assault. Whether you’re a woman or not. Whether your partner cheated or not. You can’t just hit someone or destroy property and then act so surprised when you are arrested, booked, and convicted. Continue reading
For those of you who deny the possibility that the extent to which you meet your partner’s needs has a direct effect on their desire to stay faithful to you, I provide you this article which summarizes a study which basically concludes that the more that men go down on their wives, the less likely their wives are to stray. And yes, the cause/effect goes for men too. Those who are happy eating at home rarely eat out!! Even if the study has its flaws, I think the point is very valid. Yes, the extent to which a person’s critical emotional needs (and yes, sex is primarily an emotional need, even for men) are met — the extent to which people are happy and content in their relationships — has a direct correlation to their fidelity. Period. Continue reading
I get emails almost every day from readers all over the world — to praise my blog, to vent about their situations, but more often than not, to ask for my perspective and help in their personal situations related to infidelity. I often hear from spouses who have tried various approaches to get their husband or wife to end their affair. And yet, nothing has worked. Either the spouse has refused to end the affair, has begged for more time to make up their mind, or has continued to see the Affair Partner despite promises they would not, or moved out entirely and now lives with the Affair Partner. So they ask me, “What should I do to get my husband (or wife) to come back to the marriage?” Continue reading