The Seven Types of Affairs

rememberYes, there are different types of affairs!  It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same.   As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair.  I think  that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go?  Answer the question of who they are really married to?  Continue reading

Why Do We Cheat?

cheaters_1Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. We abhor it, yet we want to hear all about it. We love the topic. It’s on the news, the web, movies, and on TV. We can’t get enough of it. But while we often get the details of “who” the infidelity involves and “how” it was carried off, the question of “why” is the most vexing. Continue reading

20 Mistakes Former Cheaters Make in Marital Recovery After an Affair

mistakesIf you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do.  You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it.  Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time.  A year or more.  While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading

Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make Recovering From an Affair

ooopsThis blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery.  Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair, but thrive after it.  I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it.  Continue reading

Breaking the Affair Addiction

resized_addiction_to_love_by_B_neoZENI’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past.  Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey.  It was still a process.

I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I  get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?”  Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 1

divorced-couple-001I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair.  What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery?  About their ex-Other Woman?  My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend.  It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 2

confused-manFor you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife.  Or perhaps you even confessed.  But here you are and now you must face your choices.

What are you feeling right now?  What burdens are you carrying?   This is for you.  Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through.  Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading

The “Semi-Happy Marriage” and Affairs

bored_couple

“The Semi-happy Marriage: Too safe to leave, too boring to stay. A business partnership at best.” 

The “Semi-Happy Marriage has become common these days and is one of the most common situations that lead to affairs and/or divorce, according to relationship experts.

All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful.   Continue reading

“Why can’t I get over my Affair Partner?”

greif2This post was generated by a number of things that I’ve been seeing on blogs and message boards.  Waywards (former cheaters) lamenting about their ex-Affair Partner.  Most of them stating that they are trying to make amends to their spouses (or in some cases, the spouses still don’t know about the affair) and recommitting themselves to their marriage, but still unable to “get over” their ex-Affair Partner. Continue reading

Forgiveness After the Affair – is it a “Free Pass”?

forgiveA reader and frequent commenter here, in response to a blog of mine, got me thinking about the concept of “forgiveness” in the aftermath of an affair.   She wrote,

“Forgiveness has been the hardest part of all of this because I was so confused by what it meant. And I have yet to fully forgive (my husband) because I still feel like it means I’m saying what he did was ok; that I accept it.”

Yesterday, I blogged about the Wayward Spouse forgiving themselves.  Today, what about the Betrayed Spouse “forgiving” the cheater? Continue reading

Recovering From An Affair: How to Become His “Girlfriend” Again

First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook.   Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses.  Or that only men are susceptible to affairs.  Not true.  I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV.  Truly.  I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so.  That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists.  What is the common thread for why most men cheat? Continue reading

The Four Horseman of Marital Doom – Predictors of Divorce

12648772-angry-husband-and-wife-turning-their-back-on-each-otherI’m reprinting an article on a concept that is an incredibly accurate predictor of marriage/relationship doom.

The concept in short?   Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship.  Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship.  Continue reading

Rewriting Marital History After the Affair

12648772-angry-husband-and-wife-turning-their-back-on-each-otherFrequently, I have read things like, “why do cheaters lie about their marriages during the affair?”  Or “Why do cheaters rewrite marital history after the affair is over in order to make their spouses seem so awful?”   Cheaters are often accused of these things.  But I got an email with this very question just recently and got permission to turn the question (which I’m paraphrasing to protect the person’s identity and story) into a blog entry.  Do cheaters lie about their marriages during affairs? Continue reading

More Q&As from my mail bag and other sources

polls_direct_mail_3902_502833_answer_2_xlargeI get so many emails now I can’t barely keep up. I try and answer all of them.  But I also get some common questions that I answer privately that might be of interest to my readers here. Plus, I pay attention to the search engine terms that lead people to my blog every week, which often are questions themselves.  So here are very short answers to some random infidelity questions. Continue reading

“Facebook Caused My Spouse to Cheat and Leave Me”

facebookdivorceI have seen this, or statements similar to this,  many times on message boards, blogs and such.   And in some emails I’ve received, there is direct (or implied) blame of social media why someone’s spouse cheated on them and left them.  So are social media the reason why people cheat and get divorced?  Not really.  They are just the most current, modern mechanism to facilitate it.  But not the causes. Continue reading

When Your Best Friend is Having an Affair

consoling_friend
I’ve had this question several times by email — “What should I do? My best friend is having an affair.  Should I tell his/her spouse?”  Or maybe your sister or brother. Or sister-in-law.  Etc.  Someone you’re very close to.    I’ve also seen this question in variations in the search engine requests that lead people to my blog. It’s a tough one.  I DO think it’s situational to some extent — there is no one answer — but I think I’d still like to weigh in on it.
Continue reading

The Emotional Affair in Ruins: Kaitlyn’s Affair Story

ImageAnother in a series of my interviews with cheaters, both current and former.  This is an “Other Woman”, and a married one.  Whose affair was discovered and is over. I think you’ll find her story compelling.   This was a fairly brief, non-physical, but very intense affair. You can see how quickly feelings can escalate even when no physical contact at all is involved. And you will see what a huge mental price she has paid for her emotional dalliance.  She now has to live with the guilt and because her Affair Partner’s wife knows, but has not (yet) ratted her out, she lives with the fear that at some point it will all be disclosed to her husband.  Every time the phone rings, she probably jumps. Or worries whenever her husband approaches her without a smile on his face.  This is the price she has paid.  The “Sword of Damacles” will hang over her head for years.

She writes in a very from the heart sort of way. Raw and real.  She pulls no punches. She does not justify her actions in any way. It’s worth a read.  Judge if you must, but if you must, please do it silently. She’s put herself out there hopefully to help others avoid affairs.
Continue reading

“You’re Too Fit for LA Fitness”

Planet-Fitness-tells-Bay-Area-woman-to-cover-up-because-her-toned-body-is-intimidatingThis is NOT about affairs or even relationships. Rarely do I delve into other issues here, but I saw this yesterday in the press, and I really and truly have to comment on it.

Apparently, a woman at an LA Fitness in Richmond, VA was told to “cover up” her body because her physique was “too intimidating” to other women in the gym and they have a “no judgment” policy there (to be fit is to “judge”??). It’s absurd on the face of it. Continue reading