If you think in any way I’m excusing affairs. I’m not. Let me be completely frank about affairs: They are 100% WRONG! Continue reading
Yes, there are different types of affairs! It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same. As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair. I think that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go? Answer the question of who they are really married to? Continue reading
Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. We abhor it, yet we want to hear all about it. We love the topic. It’s on the news, the web, movies, and on TV. We can’t get enough of it. But while we often get the details of “who” the infidelity involves and “how” it was carried off, the question of “why” is the most vexing. Continue reading
If you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do. You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it. Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time. A year or more. While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading
This blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery. Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair, but thrive after it. I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it. Continue reading
Sex IS the “glue” in a marriage!! It is fundamental. A leg of the chair that is your relationship. Sex is certainly not everything, and in the greater scheme of a marriage, it’s actually a pretty small part of the overall interaction between two people, but, truly, sex is what holds all the rest together. Continue reading
I’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past. Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey. It was still a process.
I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?” Continue reading
Frequent questions I hear on other blogs and message boards — Whether cheaters feel, or felt, honest and true love for their affair partner. Continue reading
I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair. What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery? About their ex-Other Woman? My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend. It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading
For you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife. Or perhaps you even confessed. But here you are and now you must face your choices.
What are you feeling right now? What burdens are you carrying? This is for you. Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through. Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading
“The Semi-happy Marriage: Too safe to leave, too boring to stay. A business partnership at best.”
The “Semi-Happy Marriage has become common these days and is one of the most common situations that lead to affairs and/or divorce, according to relationship experts.
All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful. Continue reading
This post was generated by a number of things that I’ve been seeing on blogs and message boards. Waywards (former cheaters) lamenting about their ex-Affair Partner. Most of them stating that they are trying to make amends to their spouses (or in some cases, the spouses still don’t know about the affair) and recommitting themselves to their marriage, but still unable to “get over” their ex-Affair Partner. Continue reading
While discussing the whole situation with my wife last night, she basically told me, “you’re being harder on yourself than even I’ve been….I’ve forgiven you for all of this, but you clearly haven’t forgiven yourself. And you need to. Perhaps you should go back to therapy with (my therapist’s name)?” Continue reading
“Forgiveness has been the hardest part of all of this because I was so confused by what it meant. And I have yet to fully forgive (my husband) because I still feel like it means I’m saying what he did was ok; that I accept it.”
Yesterday, I blogged about the Wayward Spouse forgiving themselves. Today, what about the Betrayed Spouse “forgiving” the cheater? Continue reading
First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook. Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses. Or that only men are susceptible to affairs. Not true. I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV. Truly. I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so. That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists. What is the common thread for why most men cheat? Continue reading
The concept in short? Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship. Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship. Continue reading
Wow. Simply wow. I would never have guessed that this blog would take off like this. It’s now averaging 3,200 hits per day. 500,000 hits? It says something about the topic. A lot of people have a lot of questions, a lot of anger and hurt, and are seeking help. Information. Hope. From anywhere.
To my readers, even those that refuse to accept my message of understanding, hope, forgiveness and reconciliation, I say – thank you.
This is sort of Part II concerning single people having affairs with married people and why. Recently, I wrote about why single women have affairs with married men. So today it’s the more rare circumstance — those few single men who have affairs with married women. And how the single male’s motivations and approach tends to be different than the single woman who is someone’s affair partner. Continue reading
I won’t take credit for this. It’s a reprint from something I saw on ehow.com from author Dawn Sutton. I found it doing research for someone based on their emailed question. While it’s hard to generalize about affairs and the people in them (it varies so much!!), I think what was written here sounded “right” to me. And answers that question, “Why would some smart, attractive, single woman get involved with a married guy?” I think a lot of Betrayeds have that question. Continue reading
I’m not going to take credit for this. I lifted it from several sources, synthesized as I thought best and added in my own thoughts here and there. Many of my sources were directed to women who’ve been cheated upon but I largely think these applys to betrayed males as well. So here it is — what NOT to say to someone who’s been cheated on. Continue reading
These are not my words. A reader of mine sent me a link to a URL that some other man (I’m guessing someone in the UK, based on some of the wording and spelling) posted 4 years ago. I found it to be humorous, but also full of a lot of truths. I could quibble here and there about some of his conclusions, and absolutes, but I thought it said a lot about the motivations of otherwise smart women to become mistresses. And the motivations of some married men to take them in their lives. And the motivations of some wives to turn a somewhat blind eye to what’s going on. There were things in this article that definitely rang true to me. I added in a few of my notes here and there. Continue reading
My affair is pretty much ancient history. We are doing great. We no longer talk about “it” or “her.” It’s well in our rear view mirror. But I have kept this blog going. Why? Because of the notes I get every week from people, desperate for help and/or thanking me for my blog profusely. Because I feel like I’m making a difference still. Because a voice of someone like me is sorely needed in a sea of blogs that rarely present the point of view of the “Recovering Wayward Spouse,” and if they do, it’s usually inaccurate and mean-spirited. Continue reading
I post very little about my affair or myself any longer. I wanted the blog to be not about me, but about the topic — to help others get out of infidelity, avoid it altogether or heal from it. So I say very little about my affair, my wife, my recovery or “her.” Its been more than 900 days since D-day and when I cut things off with “her”. My marriage has recovered well. We don’t talk about “it”. It’s very much in the rear view mirror for us. Continue reading