1 million hits

just reached this morning.  1 MILLION hits.  Since January 2013.  Currently still running at more than 5,000 views per day even though I’m no longer posting or allowing comments.  Wow.

I had to come back and post that. To me, it’s stunning.  There’s obviously one heck of a lot of interest in this topic.

That’s all I have to say.  Last post.  Bye again.

Why I’ve Stopped Contributing to the Blog — This is Goodbye, But Feel Free to Read the Old Stuff

About 2 months ago, abruptly, I set this blog to private, and gave nobody access to it.

A blog growing in popularity monthly, and was running at about 5,000 hits a day and that was within 60 days of achieving it’s 1 millionth hit. A blog where I had received literally hundreds of comments and emails thanking me for it.  A blog that gave me satisfaction and was part of my personal penance for what I had done.

And when I ended it, I received frantic emails from many asking me to let them back in. Or for help.  And hundreds of access requests.

So I needed to explain this.  Why did I end it?  Why is it back?

Continue reading

The Seven Types of Affairs

rememberYes, there are different types of affairs!  It’s occurred to me how much on blogs and forums we throw around the word “affair” as if they are all about the same.   As if a one-night stand is the same as 5-year, deeply emotional and physical affair.  I think  that properly identifying the type of affair that has occurred or is occurring is important because it will lead the betrayed spouse to make the right decision – should I stay or should I go?  Answer the question of who they are really married to?  Continue reading

Why Do We Cheat?

cheaters_1Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. We abhor it, yet we want to hear all about it. We love the topic. It’s on the news, the web, movies, and on TV. We can’t get enough of it. But while we often get the details of “who” the infidelity involves and “how” it was carried off, the question of “why” is the most vexing. Continue reading

When a Cheating Spouse Shows No Remorse

sorryAfter receiving a number of emailed questions from Betrayed Spouses, it occurred to me that there is an issue out there that I haven’t read much about:  When your Wayward Spouse claims to want to save the marriage, has ended the affair, but does not show or state real remorse for what they did.  It can be enraging and confusing.  When your spouse isn’t showing any outward displays of guilt such as these, it may be particularly upsetting because it seems to show a lack of sympathy, caring, or remorse, and has you thinking he or she is likely to repeat the experience once you calm down and some time has elapsed. You may wonder how you can fix a relationship where the cheating spouse doesn’t appear to really “own” the wrong he or she has perpetrated. Continue reading

Granting Forgiveness After the Affair

forgiveness-2The more I’ve read, the more I’ve learned. And one of the things I ran into on this blog are a series of Betrayed Spouses that refuse (yes, REFUSE) to grant forgiveness, and then wonder why their marriages haven’t recovered?  Because withholding forgiveness is power. Because to not forgive is to punish.  And you can’t pursue healing until you forgive.

So I saw this article. I thought it very powerful Continue reading

Mistakes Former Cheaters Make in Marital Recovery After an Affair

mistakesIf you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do.  You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it.  Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time.  A year or more.  While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading

Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make Recovering From an Affair

ooopsThis blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery.  Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair..  I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it.   From my reading, thought and research, I came up with what I think are 21 things to avoid if you want your marriage to survive and thrive after an affair. Continue reading

Breaking the Affair Addiction

resized_addiction_to_love_by_B_neoZENI’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past.  Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey.  It was still a process.

I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I  get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?”  Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 1

divorced-couple-001I often read blogs from betrayed wives who seem genuinely baffled by what their husband is thinking in the aftermath of a discovered affair.  What are they thinking now when they think about about their affair? Our recovery?  About their ex-Other Woman?  My own wife expressed this very thought to me this weekend.  It got me thinking. Are there commonalities in our thinking, especially among males? Continue reading

How Many Men Feel “After the Affair”, Part 2

confused-manFor you married men in the immediate aftermath of your affair — it’s over and it’s been discovered (or reported to) your wife.  Or perhaps you even confessed.  But here you are and now you must face your choices.

What are you feeling right now?  What burdens are you carrying?   This is for you.  Some of us out there DO understand what you’re thinking and going through.  Although you will find condemnation of you everywhere around you, including the Internet, you need some plain speaking and understanding so you can move forward. Continue reading

The “Semi-Happy Marriage” and Affairs

bored_couple

“The Semi-happy Marriage: Too safe to leave, too boring to stay. A business partnership at best.” 

The “Semi-Happy Marriage has become common these days and is one of the most common situations that lead to affairs and/or divorce, according to relationship experts.

All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It’s a marriage that’s neither miserable nor all that successful.   Continue reading

“Why can’t I get over my Affair Partner?”

greif2This post was generated by a number of things that I’ve been seeing on blogs and message boards.  Waywards (former cheaters) lamenting about their ex-Affair Partner.  Most of them stating that they are trying to make amends to their spouses (or in some cases, the spouses still don’t know about the affair) and recommitting themselves to their marriage, but still unable to “get over” their ex-Affair Partner. Continue reading

Recovering From An Affair: How to Become His “Girlfriend” Again

First off, this article is NOT meant to let men off the hook.   Or that it’s only men who have grievances against their spouses.  Or that only men are susceptible to affairs.  Not true.  I hope some Former Cheating Female writes something similar from the female POV.  Truly.  I just wouldn’t be qualified to do so.  That being said….this is a topic I’ve thought long about, based on what I’ve seen on blogs, read in books, and heard in a roundabout way from a variety of on-line therapists and psychologists.  What is the common thread for why most men cheat? Continue reading

The Four Horseman of Marital Doom – Predictors of Divorce

12648772-angry-husband-and-wife-turning-their-back-on-each-otherI’m reprinting an article on a concept that is an incredibly accurate predictor of marriage/relationship doom.

The concept in short?   Relationships that aren’t given the right amount of positive energy are doomed to what the author, Dr. John Gottman, calls “The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” in a relationship.  Eg, how we handle that conflict helps decide whether or not the relationship remains healthy or moves towards its end. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Get them out of your relationship.  Continue reading

To Confess or Not Confess Your Affair

CheatingWifeRevenge“Should I confess my affair to my spouse/partner??” This is a vexing question for many.  Of course, I will have the chorus of the usual crowd of Betrayed Spouses that visit (and sometimes attempt to bomb) my blog say, “YES OF COURSE! YOU MUST TELL! ALWAYS! NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY!”  And they may have a point. It’s better to be honest.  Living a lie is bad.  Basing a marriage on a big lie (or a series of them) isn’t just bad, it’s abusive.

But this blog entry is not for them, although I’m sure to hear from them (in this case, I ask you to refrain from commenting however).

This blog is solely for the cheater who is currently or is no longer cheating. Who had a one-night stand, or just got out of their 10th affair, and everyone in between.  This does not address where your spouse knows that you had an affair and you wish to relieve yourselves of the guilt by telling all. This is where you had an affair (or the affair is still going on) and your spouse was unaware of it. This is the question that I often get by email — Should I confess what I did even though I didn’t get caught? Continue reading

Answering My Critics and Nonsense About this Blog

criticEvery once in a while, I run across commentary about my blog, and me personally.  Usually by bitter betrayed spouses. Almost always inaccurate. I don’t take them on directly.  They will only yell and scream more nonsense at me.

But I’m not afraid to take on their criticism either.  So I’m printing it here, and by the way, this is only a sample of some of the utter and complete nonsense that I’ve read about me: Continue reading