After the Affair: Avoiding Even the Appearance of Past Behavior

I listen to a lot of talk radio during my commute on my XM/Sirius radio.  I frequently listen to the radio shrinks who deal with relationships (Dr. Laura, Dr. Jenn, Dr. Joy Browne), and some who aren’t even qualified to do so but do so anyway (Tiffany Granath!!  You’re funny, hon, but you’re not the sharpest tool in the drawer! You shouldn’t be dispensing relationship advice given your history, but I listen anyway because it’s entertaining!). Continue reading

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Betrayed Spouse Anger After the Affair: A Gift and a Cancer

ImageOne of the many things I’ve noticed in numerous blogs of Betrayed Spouses is how much time is spent venting about the affair and their former (or still currently) Cheating Spouse.  Absolute venom and rage.  So much so that it appears to me to be getting  in the way of personal and marital healing.  Continue reading

Causes of an affair..and prevention

couple-sensual-kiss-love-couples-merci-lovebisous-poljubac-sexy-new-album-kisses-sex-wow-paare-amor-romance-romantisme-amoureux-hot-couples-kandys-album-bw-pashion-love-pics-sexy-couple-love-romance-eIt’s so frequently debated. What causes an affair?  There are many books, articles, opinions about what causes an affair.  All over the web.  Too many people just want to say that anyone that cheats is merely a “jerk,” or a “slut”, a horrible person, through and through, selfish and uncaring without a shred of  character and integrity.  But that’s too simple and does not fit most people that have affairs.  GOOD people. MORAL people still find themselves caught up in an affair. So isn’t it smart to find out why, except for the truly mentally ill, that normal, average people who never envisioned themselves in an affair do so? Continue reading

Perceptions – and why some Betrayed Spouses can’t get over an affair

I thought this article is interesting, written by a psychologist and former Betrayed Spouse herself.  It shows how incorrect perceptions result in some couples not being able to recover after an affair.  I read many of these same opinions in various Betrayed Spouse blogs.  But I think this one gives a great perspective on this from a therapist.  By providing the Waywards different perspective.  Also, it points out some truths about what it takes to really recover a marriage. Work on both sides! Vulnerability by both. And yes, forgiveness and a leap of faith. Continue reading

Mistakes Former Cheaters Make in Marital Recovery After an Affair

mistakesIf you are truly remorseful for your affair, and you truly wish to not only make amends to your Betrayed Spouse, but remake your marriage in such a way that an affair would never be an issue again, you have much work to do.  You may not even be able to save the marriage as some Betrayed Spouses just can’t get past it.  Repairing this — if it’s repairable – usually takes a long time.  A year or more.  While I’m not suggesting that you have to hang in there no matter what — that you may have a spouse who seeks punishment more than forgiveness — there are things you need to avoid if you want your marriage to be saved. Continue reading

Why Some Cheaters Go Back to Their Wives

I know this is a vexing thought for many women who are involved with married men — whether they are married or single themselves. You see it in the blogs and other places all the time.  And I know my ex-OW asked the same thing — “He was so unhappy with her and so happy with ME! Why did he go back to his wife? How could he choose HER when he told me that he loves me!??”
Continue reading

Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Spouses Make Recovering From an Affair

ooopsThis blog entry is on mistakes that Betrayed Spouses routinely make during marital recovery.  Blunders and errors of judgment that make it unlikely that a marriage will not only survive an affair..  I wrote it after reading blog after blog by Betrayed Spouses who seem to be doing all in their power to sabotage marital recovery and don’t realize it.   From my reading, thought and research, I came up with what I think are 21 things to avoid if you want your marriage to survive and thrive after an affair.  Continue reading

Should you tell your spouse of your affair after it’s over?

Interesting question was put to me by another blogger whose affair is over, but whose spouse does not know.  And that is:  Do I tell my spouse about the affair?

Well, what a hard question to answer and there is evidence on both sides.   I guess it comes down to this — it depends!  I saw opinions all over the place.  I have distilled several opinions here.  Continue reading

Mark’s Affair Story, part II

man__s_silhouette_by_tahaelraaid-d4s41x6Again, poignant parts and my commentary on a blog that really spoke to me. Not just for how it all evolved, but his recovery as well.  My story is a tad different — he divorced and actually attempted to make a go of it with his Affair Partner. I did not. I immediately knew that I wanted to save my marriage and put all my effort into it. But other than that, there are parallels. Continue reading

Breaking the Affair Addiction

resized_addiction_to_love_by_B_neoZENI’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past.  Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey.  It was still a process.

I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I  get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?”  Continue reading