Potential New Blog Topics

portrait-businessman-13248914I want to thank the people who have helped me generate new blog entry ideas – both here in “Comments” as well as privately by email. I’m beginning to hone it down and want to do some thinking and researching. I have covered so many of the suggestions already in various existing blog entries, so if your idea isn’t here, that’s why. No offense!!. Potential ideas

1. Differences between female and male cheaters — why they get involved, the extent to which they feel remorse, differences in recovery.

2. How to reach out to friends and relatives if your spouse is having/had an affair — what to do, what not to do.

3. The difference between privacy and secrecy in a marriage

4. Why you are obsessed with the Other Man/Other Woman still?

5. How to confront a spouse with suspicions of an affair (and how not to)

6. Setting boundaries after the affair: What’s appropriate, what’s self-defeating

7. What to do if Boss or co-worker is having an affair

8. The “mid-life crisis” and an affair. Does it really exist, or is it a myth?

I’m just mulling things over. Some of them may not pan out. Some there is enough info to warrant one blog entry. Some are intriguing.

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13 thoughts on “Potential New Blog Topics

  1. id be interested in your thoughts on #8, i posted an article about it recently which i found really helpful, (and he did too, so he said… ‘a lot of that describes me perfectly’) the subtitle is ‘what men wish their wives knew’… they get a bad rep, mid life crises, because of the behaviour that comes out, affairs, sports cars, you know the cliches and the jokes. and we all point and laugh, (or criticise and abuse heh) at the silly old man… i think thats what leads us to believe its a myth or a joke, because it can get to looking pretty ridiculous… but i think its for real… no, i know its for real, the underlying psychological stuff is for real… i dont know if the mid life part is particularly important? or even the male part for that matter, women go through similar times as well (but i dont expect you to write about that :P) and are just as likely to act out, although perhaps in different ways, (mine was bourbon heh) but thats becoming less of a trend too (more women having affairs for example)

    i honestly think this is what i/we are dealing with… and im hanging out to see who he will become on the other side of this, the person i always knew was in there, right from the very start. that for some reasons (some of which have to do with me, ill admit, and im trying to sort that) he felt he had to cover up with a bunch of weird crap… (pretenses?)

    and now that i have a teenage son, im seeing bits of it with him, competitiveness, him looking for his place amongst his peers, and who he is (or will be for the next 20 years or so) so… as a mum, i guess im glad im more aware of what boys go through to become men, adults… people (because thats what this really is, a lesson in being human, and it seems to me that many men feel like they have to be more than that, therefore, denying some of their human parts ie: feelings heh)… i dont want him and his brother to have to figure it all out on their own like their dads parents are leaving him to do. somehow i have to teach them to be able to look inwards instead of trying to fill the gaps from the outside…

    • I am still doing research. I think anyone using a “mid-life crisis” as an excuse to do something they know is wrong is frankly poor, transparent and dishonest reasoning. That would be my initial take. The reasons people pursue affairs are far more complex than that, in my opinion.

  2. We have talked about it in various posts here and there, but I would be interested in a post on how to deal with an AP that won’t let go. We have dealt with a woman that has cyber-bullied our family for nearly two years after no contact. She has tried repeatedly to draw our children in, and anonymously inform them of the sordid details. Obviously we consult with our attorney closely, but it has impacted our healing process. I would be interested to know what strategies you and others in this situation have used to shield a healing marriage.

    • Thanks again for your input. I always look forward to it.

      I’m not sure that’s a topic big enough for a blog entry unto itself. I will certainly do the research, but I think the key is this, speaking as you know as someone who lived through a similar situation: Know the laws in your State about harassment and Stalking. Get a Restraining Order. Save all evidence of their attempts to contact you or people around you. Be prepared to file a civil suit as well. And of course it all means consult with a lawyer as you are doing. I’m not sure what can be said beyond that. Usually a Restraining Order is the best thing because if they violate it, they can be thrown in jail. It tends to get people’s attention.

      But I will look and see if there is more on the subject I can say.

      • I was thinking more in terms of the marital/emotional side of this. As we both have seen, there is little that can actually stop it. When an attack occurs, it feels like we get our heads pushed back under water again. It can trigger feelings of guilt and shame for him, blame and loss of self-esteem (again) on my part. Worst of all, it tears at my husband’s fragile relationship with our daughter.

      • I think the best way to deal with it is through legal means. Take her to court. My attorney told me that merely filing a restraining order tends to make the behavior stop and quickly. People respond to the threat of jail. Or a civil suit. The best way to deal with this emotionally is to make her go away! And legal means is really the only way to do it. Other than that, close ranks together. Meet the challenge as a couple. You will find that this maniac is doing you a favor — she’s bringing you closer together and making her seem like the enemy, which will tend to drive out every good thought and feeling he ever had about her right out of his head.

  3. I personally would like to see some stories & interviews with couples and betrayed spouses who are working their way through the aftermath of an affair; what steps they are taking to recover, both separately & as a couple. What works for them, their setbacks & what they’ve learned from them, etc. I realize that you probably get your fair share of “letter to the OW” style commentary, but I would also think there are plenty of people out there with something constructive to offer as well. What I find most helpful & uplifting about this blog is the fact that you & your wife are surviving an affair, and seem to be doing well. From my first visit, it gave me hope when I was feeling hopeless about our chances of putting our marriage back together. The stories & interviews are helpful, and I’m sure that everyone who reads them is looking for something they can relate to, and take something useful from. I think that nobody should try to repair their marriage after an affair without some kind of professional help, but blogs like this are also kind of like group therapy, where you can listen to the stories of others, and gain strength & insight from them – even if what you take away is what NOT to do.

    • that could be interesting, but couples never write me! Only individuals!! That’s where I came up with the idea! But I like it. If any couples are out there who are reconciling, please write me and let know if you want your story here!

      I will say this though, ducky, there are far too many venues for Betrayeds. They dominate the blogs. The message boards, etc. Former cheaters aren’t allowed to speak generally. It’s why I first started my blog!! To get out my thoughts without censorship and nastiness!!

      So I’m not really wanting to do a story from the betrayed point of view alone. There are too many of them out there already! (no offense!). They don’t need me to highlight their stories.

  4. I really had not considered that, but I don’t think I have seen any of those blogs – and perhaps thank God for that, lol. It may be the way I started searching for online resources; I was using keywords related to surviving an affair, healing, marital recovery, etc. when I found your blog. Which I guess you can be doing in a bitter & angry frame of mind too… But I was looking for help & constructive advice, and not some angry diatribe. Your POV is helpful to me in regard to relating to my husband’s POV. It’s hard to explain, but I think it made me a little less inclined to dismiss his responses and explanations as self-serving BS, and more inclined to take what he said at face value. My dog wasn’t in your fight, so to speak, so when I saw things you said that were the same or similar to something he had said, I was less likely to pick them apart or dismiss them as excuses, although granted, it had a lot to do with the intelligent & insightful way you present your POV.

    I was just thinking that if cheaters could see the POV of betrayed spouses presented in such a way, maybe they’d see things that resonate for them as well. Maybe there are blogs out there that serve that purpose, but I would tend to shy away from them (haven’t even gone looking for any), just because I have this natural inclination to be cautious about what I read & identify with these days. I certainly wouldn’t want to get caught up in some angry BS blog, and start making poor decisions because I identified too strongly with all of the negative aspects. Not sure if that makes sense, but I don’t know if I can explain it better. I like this blog because it’s positive, and I’d like to see the things I described above here, presented in a positive & constructive way – but that’s just something I’d *like* to see, and I don’t know if it could be done anyway.

    As for the couples thing – I could ask my husband if he’d be willing to do that. I don’t know if he would. He knows I read & comment here, because I’m always showing him one thing or another, but I’m not sure how he’d feel about us telling our story. In therapy, we focus more on our marriage, and it’s very much about what was not working before the affair, with less emphasis on “during”, and more on setting a positive course after. I have not yet said “I forgive you”. It’s more like “I’m working on it”, but I know he’s shy of going back over ground we had a tough time covering in the first place.

    • You won’t have to look far. There are some really good, balanced blogs by Betrayed Spouses, but I’m afraid they are overwhelmed by the bitter and angry set too. I can’t even read some of them any longer. I do feel that many of them are really doing the wrong things yet claim to be trying to save their marriages. They are some of the meanest people you’d ever run across, including venting their frustrations on strangers like me. And to what end? I don’t bother. They will end up divorced anyway. They are beyond help.

      I used to comment on a lot of BS blogs, but I don’t now, or very rarely. I don’t even read them. Or message boards. I don’t even bother now. Some don’t want to hear it. They just want to vent. They want to be angry. Fair enough. I’m talking about understanding and forgiveness and moving forward, and they are all about anger, venting and revenge. The Internet is free. You can say what you wish.

      I don’t require anyone to read my blog either. I think I have been as fair as I can be while trying to provide a safe forum for the former Cheater (and I emphasize FORMER) point of view, which is never allowed at most message boards and blogs. As I said, I lived it. It’s why I started the blog in the first place.

      And it’s resonated. And not just with former cheaters. Half my email is from Betrayeds and rarely is there an unkind word. It makes me feel good that I’m helping at least some people out there. It’s why I’ve kept this going even the affair is largely in the rear view mirror of my marriage. We don’t speak of it any more. We’ve moved forward and past it.

      I would love to have a couple who would submit to a sort of interview. I think it would be helpful. The problem is that most cheaters don’t want to be put out there. They are tired of the judgment and the ridicule. It’s why I get so many emails every day, and few comments on the blog. People want it kept private — their struggles, their failings, their frustrations.

      You write well. I’m guessing your husband wouldn’t want to submit to a “He Said, She Said” sort of interview though, even if kept anonymous. I wouldn’t want it either, to be frank.

  5. I’m not sure if it’s a matter of keeping it private (I know it would be anonymous); there are people who know. I have only told two very close friends. His friends, some of the people he regularly socialized with, have met her once. It’s a long story… I am the more private person in our relationship, but it’s easier to talk about it in this way, where nobody knows me. I have had a very hard time with his friends knowing about it, with what they saw and heard of us & our marriage being a very one-sided view, and found all of it very humiliating. This is one of the things I still struggle to forgive him for.

    Anyway, the long and short of it being, I don’t know if “putting it out there” would be a problem for him. I’m more inclined to say that it might be too soon for it – our D-day was July 2nd. I think he has gained a lot of perspective in the last 6 months, but I’m sure you know that’s not a lot of time in terms of affair recovery. I would totally love to see how he would answer some of those interview questions though, lol. I actually saved them to ask him myself, but have been reticent to do that. Our 22nd anniversary was last month, we had a great Christmas together, and have been getting along so well I just hate to bring it up at all. We’re both more interested in moving forward than looking back, but I still haven’t put it completely behind me. I still feel the need to talk to him about it occasionally, although I am more inclined to examine that need to see if it’s really as critical as all that.

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