You won’t see me hitting softballs on my blog concerning affairs

softball hitAs far as I’m concerned, with topics related to affair, there will be no hitting the easy ones for me here.  No “softballs”.  Plenty of other blogs and resources for those. I don’t cut corners or mince words. My POV is direct, blunt and sincerely-given. Always.

I think I’ve already hit a lot of the major topics related to affairs and recovery.  So now I prefer to take on the more difficult issues. Even controversial ones.  If nothing else, to provide a Point of View that people often don’t hear in the “mainstream” message boards and blogs related to affairs. I think it’s needed. I’m filling a void. Not too many blogs out there by former male cheaters.  If you came looking for me to go on and on about my personal agonies and to self-flagellate for my sins, I hate to disappoint you but I’m not going to do this.  My personal story and my marriage — it’s pretty much between me and my wife now.

As for the blog, I don’t require you to agree with me — you can if you wish.  But I’m not going to debate things either.  Questions I will take.  Agreement? I can take them or leave them. If they aren’t overly negative or too long, I accept them. Some I don’t (yes, that’s right. some I don’t accept).  But if your purpose is to tell me that I’m wrong based on your experience or preconceived notions? Don’t bother.  You won’t change my mind.

But debate?  No. I’m not going down that road again.  You rarely convince anyone on this topic by debating. High emotions often prevent people from opening their minds, and this topic is LADEN with high emotions, anger and hurt. Debating detracts from the purpose of the blog — which I sincerely believe in:  To help people get out affairs, avoid them altogether, or heal from them (betrayed and wayward spouses alike).  I only post things that I TRULY think are helpful and I believe in.  And part of this is to wade into controversial issues — where the readership is firmly divided — I’m not afraid of it.

Here are some potential topics I was considering.   Feel free to comment on these as good (or bad) potential topics, or suggest things you might like me to write about:  

1.  Is porn “cheating”?  Or does it contribute significantly to the incidence of affairs?

2.  Setting up “boundary agreements” and “rules” in the wake of an affair. Pitfalls?

3.  Spying/snooping on your spouse – good idea?  Pros and cons.

Thoughts?  I’m looking for ideas.

And as usual, nasty, snarky, obnoxious comments will not be accepted and the commenter will be assigned permanently to the spam bin. So please keep this serious.  I’m trying to be helpful to people. Seriously.

THANK YOU!

RW

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32 thoughts on “You won’t see me hitting softballs on my blog concerning affairs

  1. I think all of those are great topics. I wrote about #2 extensively, both during “recovery” and after. I am now firmly in the boundary agreements are crap camp.

  2. Yes, go ahead, take a swing. 😉
    As for my comments, here you go, I am not tyring to be negative or snarky. Just honest.

    1. Is porn “cheating”? Or does it contribute significantly to the incidence of affairs?
    Porn on its own, in my opinion, is not cheating. There should be an understanding about it, however, and it should not be indulged in secretively with deceit. Both partners should KNOW and express what is acceptable and what is not.

    You might consider me uptight but I loathe porn. None of it looks appealing to me but hey, that’s just me. As a feminist and a mother to two daughters I think the objectification of women is sad. Also as a sexual assault survivor and someone who works in the area of human rights I do see a direct correlation between pornography and violence against women/girls. So I have very strong opinions on it. That being said, my husband was never really into porn, he doesn’t seem to find it that appealing. He knew that from the get go. His problem IMO is that he has problems with boundaries with other women. So that leads to….

    2. Setting up “boundary agreements” and “rules” in the wake of an affair. Pitfalls?

    Perfect seque!

    So… I think boundary agreements are kind of lame but that’s again just me. I agree with Beautiful Mess. I mean WE all stood up in church, court or on some beach somewhere and WE promised NOT to cheat. That’s pretty clear to me. What more do we need to clear up? Feeling attracted to someone who is not your spouse/partner? You should limit your time around that person and you might want to TALK to your spouse/partner. Easy peasy. Again that is just me.

    I understand that some folks in addiction need these agreements to help them stay focused and visualize what they need to do to heal. So just like all healing paths – not everything works for everyone. We do not use a boundary agreement. If we had to I dont think I would feel better. I would feel I was being treated like an idiot, I think.

    That being said I did get a post nuptial. Very different from a boundary agreement but instead I used it as a way to make sure that I, as the betrayed spouse was protected, with very clear consequences in place for the dissolution of our marriage after attempting to reconcile from an extramarital affair. That really helped me feel secure and that my WS was SERIOUS about repairing our marriage. For others they might think it was blackmail, bullying or my husband being treated like an idiot. Dunno. It has worked for us.

    3. Spying/snooping on your spouse – good idea? Pros and cons.
    I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the cheating spouse after they are caught and if they are trying to reconcile. Sorry just like a convicted criminal – there is a reason parolees and people on probation have to demonstration good behavoir. If they didn’t cheat they would not need to be observed to to prove their trustworthiness.

    I also don’t like the term “snooping/spying” because that negatively charges the betrayed spouse with bad behavior. We are simply responding to the bad behavior of being cheated on by becoming vigilant. In the 10 years before my husband cheated I NEVER looked at his cell phone bill. Not once. I always encouraged him to go out for ‘boys night’ and what was he doing? He was cheating. My ‘friends’ said I was dumb for being trusting. I don’t agree but in my path to healing I don’t have a problem with demanding transparency and respect for my vigilance. Will it last forever. No. Frankly I am too busy with my own life and my kids then to be constantly checking on him. But to know that the cheating spouse is ok with FULL transparency is critical to healing process, I think.

    • ROFL. You’ve already responded and I have yet to write the post!!! I’m just musing about future topics!!!

      Flaca, Flaca, Flaca…restrain thyself…for a while…k? 🙂

      You made me laugh. Talk about a “preemptive strike!!” Holy Cow! Chill out, my dear.

    • And the question isn’t whether you LIKED porn, or whether porn is “moral” or degrading to women (I say bullshit — lots of women like porn too. So is it degrading to men?? come on). Just whether viewing porn constitutes “cheating”.

      That will be the purpose of that blog. If I write it.

      The answer? I can preview it. I’m not here to answer THAT question. I think it’s a bit over-the-top personally, and largely derived from insecurity, but I think what I will conclude is that partners in a relationship have to come to some agreement about what they consider “cheating.” Whether it’s porn or something else. It’s when people don’t have this conversation and have a real agreement, and there is a gap in thoughts what is “cheating” (and yes, it really varies), you will have problems in the relationship.

      You don’t care for porn? Good for you. That’s your choice. Just be with someone who agrees with you. You can’t impose this on another human. It’s really pointless and unnecessarily controlling, and probably isn’t going to be a “rule” they will follow unless they agree with you.

      personally, I have no problem with it. My wife watches it sometimes too. It’s all good to me. I am too secure to worry about her enjoying the sight of other men, sex between couple, or penises other than mine. Doesn’t threaten me in the least. It’s all about fantasy. We all fantasize, but men tend to be more visual than women in this regard. Don’t judge my porn, and I won’t judge your dirty romance novels, or “50 Shades of Grey”. I don’t care what anyone fantasizes about and I think it’s a fruitless and self-defeating exercise to attempt to try and dictate what they can or can’t fantasize about and how (presuming it’s legal!).

      Damn, I just wrote half the blog…shit.

      • Seriously?! Wow.

        I did answer your question. I wrote, “Porn on its own, in my opinion, is not cheating. There should be an understanding about it, however, and it should not be indulged in secretively with deceit. Both partners should KNOW and express what is acceptable and what is not. ”

        I said I didn’t think it was cheating. I just said why I don’t like it and why it really doesn’t have a place in my marriage. That’s not controlling those are my values. From day one my husband understood how I felt about it, he has worked with me on my campaigns on violence against women & for us it’s worked. Honestly he’s never had in the house or around. I have asked him, even when he cheated, he says its not important to him. He’s just not that guy. That’s us. Your wife likes it? Awesome! I don’t. I also don’t like vanilla ice cream, who cares! Sorry I’m not gonna take your bait. So since I did answer the question YOU posed then just what are you arguing with me about?

        It isyour blog! Write about whatever you want. I was trying to be helpful. I thought you wanted feedback and re-reading it I am not wrong. Seems to me you just don’t like the comments you got. I never said none of your potential posts were not worthy of writing about nor reading about. I said, “sure take a swing” I had looked forward to reading them.

        For the record I don’t read “50 Shades of Grey,” Twilight or Romance novels. IMO I think they are kind of lame, but like my opinion on porn, that is just me.

        So write what you will. To make you happy, I won’t read it and therefore you wont get any commentary from me that you don’t agree with. Like I said, from what I read on your initial post I thought you wanted feedback. You wrote that yourself!

        “Feel free to comment on these as good (or bad) potential topics, or suggest things you might like me to write about:”

        Dang dude, I wish you and your wife well. As DRM said is there something else going on?

      • wow. you do have a tendency to be a bit verbose, don’t you?

        I didn’t say that you said that porn constituted cheating. I know you didn’t. I read what you said.

        OTHER women have said it does, however. Which to me is silly. But that’s beside the point. I was merely previewing my blog in a way on the subject. My thoughts. It’s all about AGREEING between two people what constitutes “cheating”. That’s what’s important.

        I don’t care if you like porn or not, personally. I’m not married to you. I was just getting my thoughts together on the subject. That’s all.

        As far as comments on our blogs, you’re not very accepting of disagreements on your blog entries. At all. I’ve experienced it. To keep the peace, I’m no longer reading/commenting on your blog. It’s not a good use of my time and you seem irritated when I do. So I’ve stopped. I’ve often thought that your words and reported actions seem to be contrary to the purpose of saving a marriage and ultimately self-defeating, but I’ve not said them. I’ve kept those thoughts largely to myself. I’ve been respectful of your blog.

        I don’t mind if you comment on mine, but I’m not wanting to engage in debates here. If you disagree, that’s ok. I’m just not going to debate people here. On anything. It detracts from the purpose of my blog. Ok? Nothing personal. But I just am not going to let betrayed spouses dictate what’s said here. You have your own blogs and outnumber people like me 100 to 1.

        I’m not angry. I’m just setting some boundaries for my blog. I’m not here to engage in debates or fights. I went that route once before. It’s a waste of time and it keeps people who really wish to learn something from commenting. That’s not what I want. I want this to be a safe place for people like me, not yet another place where Betrayed Spouses bash us up one side and down the other. There are enough blogs like that. I’m not going to let mine become that.

        So please comment, but be respectful. Of me. Of people like me. If you can agree with something based on a personal experience, write it. I’ll take it. I’ve taken all your comments so far, haven’t I?

        Things are fine at home. Very good. We’ve put aside our anger and are moving forward. We RARELY discuss the affair any longer at all. It’s part of the past, which it should be. Instead of focusing on who is to blame and fighting over it, we’ve decided to build a new marriage. A better one. A more satisfying one for both of us. So far, so good.

        Believe me, I’m not angry. I’m just enforcing the boundaries I put into place here when I restarted this blog a few months ago.

        I hope you understand what I’m saying here. I don’t dislike you. I haven’t banned you. I haven’t directed all your messages to spam (like I had to do with several people). I’ve listened. I’ve largely accepted what you’ve written on my page.

        I just don’t care for this “RW is pissy lately” thing that I heard from you and the other one. I’m not. I assure you. I just want this page what I want it to be. A democracy it’s not. Nobody’s page really is. Yours isn’t either.

        but nothing personal here, Flaca. Not a thing.

        ah, I see that I too just became verbose…oh well

  3. I think they’re great topics, but I worry that if you won’t let anyone engage in debate/conversaton, it will feel more like you preaching, and less like advice – KWIM? Sometimes the best part of posts happen in the comments between followers.

    I’m truly curious as to what happened, because you seem very, very angry in the last two posts – something I haven’t noticed before.

    • This from someone who completely launched on me on someone else’s blog for daring to disagree….should I reprint the wording you used there?? I didnt withdraw because I agreed, but because I realized it was an utter and complete waste of time.

      come on…be serious It’s exactly what I want to avoid here. It obliterates my purpose. And yeah, I get to define my purpose, as you have defined it on your blog.

      I’m not angry. Seriously I’m not. I’m just not patient with those who attempt to shout me (and people like me) down. I’m not going to allow it. It’s my blog and I get to define how it works. Some blogs allow NO comments. I do allow them, but I’m not going to let topics get hijacked, especially by betrayed spouses some of whom are hostile to anyone questioning ANYTHING they say or do. I’ve decided to stay off these blogs. Completely.

      The anger? I’m not angry. But I sure see it on the part of many betrayeds, who are so hostile, angry and negative, I’m stunned their spouses are still there. Seriously. If half of what I read that some of you do to your spouses or say to them is true, I’m often flabbergasted. I wouldn’t stay. Not for another day. I’d be so gone. Forgiveness requires letting anger go. And you can’t reconcile if you can’t forgive. And if you can’t reconcile, everyone’s time is being wasted. It’s not how I’ve approached this or my wife (thank God, who is a really loving and mature person), and I have my grievances too. We BOTH had to let our anger go in order to move forward. But we are getting off-topic.

      Again, I don’t want to debate here. Anything. It’s my sincerely held point of view. If you don’t like it, blog on it yourself. But I refuse to let what I consider to be useful resources get drowned out by a handful of betrayed spouses. I want this to be a safe place for people to come and consider information I’m providing. If you wish to judge me and people like me, do it silently at least when you’re here. Or on your own blog. Nothing personal here. But this is my reasoning. I’m not angry. I’m not hostile to you. But I’m not going to let this blog become another place for people to rail against cheaters and any point of view they don’t agree with. Sorry. I’m just not.

      • I couldn’t remember what you were talking about at first…the SLH post? I think I launched on you because it felt like you were attacking her version of the truth on her blog (kind of like what you stated about yourself above). Honestly, I’d do the same for you here. These blogs are OUR space, where we can say what we want about our experiences. Unfortunately, when we put ourselves out there publicly and allow comments, we open ourselves up to getting bitch-slapped. Sucks, but that’s the truth.

        Either way, it’s your space and you have the floor.

        FTR, I’m don’t hate WS or OW. I’ve been on both sides. Plus, if I hated WS, I wouldn’t be working so hard with my DH. I just hate being told how I should feel or what I’m doing is wrong…and I think you do, too.

      • Not telling you how to feel. At all. You can feel and do whatever you wish. On your blog. Just not mine.

        You don’t allow yourself to be “bitch slapped” on your blog. Neither do I. I don’t comment on your blog. I don’t disagree with you in writing, even when I think it. I just let you do your thing. I’m asking for the same respect.

  4. Great ideas! Me and hubby watch occasional porn together, and I know that he watches it on his own on the rare occasion. And if I catch him watching, he says I’m MORE than welcome to join in on the fun! 😉 I mostly just pick on the horrible acting and horrible sex they’re having.

    Looking forward to the posts!

    • I thought of that one because I recently had someone here who was ADAMANT that watching porn constituted “cheating” and that she must be the sole and only focus of all her husband’s sexual thoughts and fantasies. And she blew a gasket when I suggest that this was a silly position to take and represented an enormous misunderstanding of male sexuality (in particular). I think it’s completely unrealistic and an absurd “boundary” to place on your spouse, and largely rooted in her own insecurities. She didn’t care for that one bit. But I think it’s a good topic — not everyone agrees on what constitutes cheating. Agreeing on this definition is essential between two people, all judgment aside. If you have a gap in how “cheating” is defined, you will have problems. But boy she went on and and on against that. blah blah blah. It was annoying. I deleted it all.

      And some of you wonder why I’ve got my “grumpy pants” on lately….

  5. Ok, so I know you haven’t written the posts yet, but since you’ve got our brains to thinkin’, I figured I would contribute my two cents.
    1) Porn is not a problem, addiction is (for those who deal with it). Personally, I have watched porn (both by myself and with my hubs). It’s fun, but unrealistic. And if you plan on having kids, please explain that to them.
    2) Boundary agreements are false promises. You can wipe your tears with it when your spouse breaks one of the rules. That’s about all it’s good for. It’s about signing a college syllabus. Did you ever look at it again until you missed too many days of class and realized, “oh uh!”
    3) Been there, done that. Guess what? It didn’t stop the hubs from doing his thing. Validated that he was lying, but then, he used snooping to turn on me. Someone gave me great advice. If you’re doing something you’re not suppose to be doing, it WILL come out. Till then, enjoy life and always have a Plan B. It’s like paying insurance on your home or cars. You hope nothing will happen, but prepare just in case. 🙂

  6. “I’m not going to let topics get hijacked, especially by betrayed spouses some of whom are hostile to anyone questioning ANYTHING they say or do.” …and then try to veil the hostility by attacking other people in their blogs thus drawing others in, to do the same.
    thank you for being exceptionally clear in your positioning. i respect it.

    • Absolutely true. I experienced it recently on one of their shrill blogs. The wolf-pack mentality — smacking down ANYTHING and ANYONE that may disagree with them, and doing it with waves of comments. It’s quite disheartening. Most of them will end up divorced, and won’t have a clue why, but will blame the affair and the other person.

      it’s easier than looking in the mirror, isn’t it?

      It’s sad, because I try and help. Try and let them see the bigger picture and things from the perspective of people like us, but they are so caught up in their victimhood and anger, I’m wasting my words. I don’t even bother posting on their blogs any longer. they are beyond help. Even saw one blog of a woman who can’t get past her husband’s affair. FROM 32 YEARS AGO!! I apologize if this lady reads this — I haven’t named you, but I think your case is pretty extreme. I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is normal. Or appropriate. Or justified.

      Nobody says you HAVE to heal and forgive. but by all means, at least LET IT GO AND MOVE ON ALREADY. Torturing someone over an affair that was over years ago is so self-defeating. So UNNECESSARY. I have no idea why this man stays. No other options perhaps.

      Anyway, I truly believe that life is short. Either decide to forgive, or get divorced. That’s what I would do if the shoe were on the other foot. Seems like such a grand waste of time. People sometimes screw you over. I’ve been screwed over in my life. I had my heart broken.

      But I didn’t waste the rest of my life, and theirs, whining and raging about it. I told them off once. Then I brushed them off. Then I moved on.

  7. Porn I have no problem with in itself. But if thats all youre going to do, all the time, as in youre addicted to it, and want to keep it a secret, that needs to be dealt with. Looking up escort websites and saying its like watching porn however. (And then looking the establishments up on google maps!) no no no no no.

    Boundaries. I think you can really only make them for yourself, as in what you will and will not do or put up with. Your line in the sand so to speak. Attempting to put boundaries on someone else, can, as it has in my case, lead to resentment. IMO theyre a silent deal you make with you. Of course you have to have the balls and the means to back them up. But yeah.

    Spying and snooping. has created resentment in my situation. on both sides.

    • I GIVE UP!! I was just looking for topic ideas or feedback on writing about these, but you guys can’t help yourself and jump the gun and answer with your own mini-blogs. LOL

      I SURRENDER!!!

    • thanks for the input. I will consider it if I pursue these topics.

      i agree about the spying/snooping thing. It can definitely breed resentment. It would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn’t stay another minute if I uncovered such dirty tricks. That would mean trust is completely blown on both sides and isn’t coming back. Ever. I’d be so done.

      • Sorry! Lol, blogging seems to have me in a habit where i now have to write every little thought down! Its helped a lot, and i really have to say thank you for your blog, I wish i had found you earlier.

        I went on another snooping escapade recently… He hates me snooping, I hate feeling like i have to. It is really doing both our heads in. It seems neither of us can shake our compulsions. Weve both done so much wrong.

        A topic Ive been thinking about lately, is girlfriends and mistresses, how theyre always on their bestest behaviour, they know their position and perhaps its fragility, they know they have to put the effort in, they probably know what theyre up against as well (as in his needs that arent being met)… versus the wives. (and maybe this is just me! lol) we have that sort of security, that, once upon a time meant we thought we could do whatever we liked. we thought we were safe, we werent directly or knowingly competing with anyone. Then it gets turned on its head. It has a very strange effect (or it has had on me) in the wake of an affair… you think you still have this security, he might even tell you you do. I read all the time, that men want their wives to be their girlfriends again…It is very immature yes,. but how do you do this, when you still think you have the same rights you always had before? Maybe the thing we (or I) should realise is that we never really had those rights in the first place…

        Hoping you can make sense of that, I know its a bit all over the place… but considering youve seen both sides of the coin…

  8. How about a one-time “Wayward’s Spouse Speaks” column? I’d love to hear a snipper or two of your wife’s point of view. And then because you have been successful in reconnecting with your spouse, looking back is there anything you would do differently knowing all the things you’ve learned on your joint path to reconciliation after the affair? Hardest steps you had to take? Anything from the perspective of someone who’s been through the fire and come through whole helps. Thanks- looking forward to some new stuff.

  9. I know you haven’t technically written about these questions yet, but I am enjoying reading everyone’s viewpoints. So I will share mine, and still look forward to your future posts. Is porn cheating? To me it is not. I do however, think it is something a couple needs to be open about and have some agreement on. If it takes the place of marital intimacy, and interferes with sex as a couple, than that would be an issue, but not “cheating” in my opinion. Does it contribute to affairs? Well I guess that depends. If you are looking at Craigslist stuff, where in a weak moment of temptation you “could” actually contact the other person, then yes that could lead to infidelity. If you are looking at “regular” porn sites, this is pure fantasy and can’t be brought into the “real world”. My husband and I viewed porn together for years, but at one point he told me he couldn’t mesh that activity with his/our religious beliefs and now we don’t use it. I am fine with that, and in no way pass judgement on anyone who does use it. We keep things spiced up in other ways, and order “surprises” for each other from a couple of adult toy stores.

    Boundary agreements post-affair. I have mixed feelings on this. I agree with a previous comment that we kind of did that when we got married, and he broke that vow anyway. What we have done, is identify vulnerabilities in ourselves and in our marriage, and we work to address those. For example, we are careful not to over-share personal information with members of the opposite sex, and we have made a decision that neither of us will EVER discuss our marriage with a member of the opposite sex. He had actually told his AP we were happily married, and she dug for any little dissatisfaction she could find. During the time she was “friends” with me, she would egg me on to complain about his long work hours, etc. Then turn around and make it sound like I was completely disrespecting how hard he worked, when in fact I was just missing him. Hope that makes sense. Rules can always be broken. Better to focus on how we can RESPECT each other and SHOW that respect. How we can be love in action to each other and the marriage.

    Spying or snooping. Prior to his affair, we had been married for nearly twenty five years. In all that time, it never occurred to me to look at his email, through his phone, or comb through the cell records. During the affair, I did snoop a few times. He was an expert at hiding things and deleting them, so I never found a thing. Today, I would have to have a very, very strong reason to snoop. And if the reason was that strong, well…..it would probably be time to hang it up. I won’t go through this again. We either trust each other or we don’t. We both strive to be very open and transparent, in order to foster an atmosphere of trust. Fear does rear it’s ugly head at times, but I know that is not how I want to live.

  10. These topics would be GREAT to cover. I’m interested in reading how people feel about each and how it affects their relationship. I look forward to sharIng my thoughts as well.

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