Affair Search Terms Leading Folks to my Blog

googleI am frequently curious as to the search terms people plug into Google and such that apparently lead them to my site.  They are of course listed on the “Stats” page.  Some are obvious –  “affair advice wordpress” — it’s in my title.  But others I think I could answer pretty quick.  Here’s just a sampling of recent search terms that have lead some to my blog.

why do men go back to their wives after cheating” – I get this one in one shape or form a lot. Why do men leave their AP and go back to their spouse? Because they frequently realize that the promise of an affair and their affair partner is rarely fully realized, and eventually many realize that an affair is mostly an illusion, fed by a huge deception, maintained by ego needs, and is a massive betrayal of the one person that actually knows them — their spouse. And eventually they realize it’s their spouse that provides them the love and stability they need.

sad despite affair with married man” –  Not surprised. See above.  While we get sucked into affairs for largely romantic reasons, we usually realize that affairs are not the answer, rarely last very long, constitute a massive betrayal and are corrosive to the soul, even if not uncovered.

ex wife in serious relationship with affair partner” –  Why do you care what your ex-wife is doing?  She’s your ex.  She can do what she wishes, whether it’s a good idea or not.

is an affair partner an addiction or real love” –  In general, it’s a healthy dose of both, but frankly the affair itself usually becomes the addiction.  If not this person, you probably would’ve found someone else. Affairs aren’t about loving someone else . Not really. Sometimes it happens. But mostly they are about your own self-indulgent needs and getting them met. You don’t love the AP as much as you love how they make you feel about you. It’s reality. Affairs are a house of cards and are prone to ridiculous illusions that are rarely sustained by reality over time.

“woman pressuring to leave my wife”/”my lover threatened to tell my husband”/”affair partner threatening me” – Not surprised. Very typical. Few people really want to be the “Other Man” or “Other Woman” for very long.  It’s a lonely, crummy, “second fiddle” existence.  Frustration with being the OW/OM seems to be more common among females than male affair partners for some reason. I guess perhaps male Affair Partners are more likely to be satisfied with the situation as is whereas females are more relationship/marriage oriented? Your guess is as good as mine but that’s the impression I get from other blogs, message boards, etc.  Many married, but cheating, men often find out that their female Affair Partner is every bit as demanding their wives.  She’s no longer that person who is there for you whenever you need her, all joy and stolen moments of mind-blowing sex and passion. She’s become a demanding, impatient partner who wants more. Who wants to change the deal that you assumed was in place when you started this.

I’ll say this, the minute your Affair Partner is threatening to expose you or starts to pressure and manipulate you to abandon your spouse and family, it’s time to end the affair.  Those are huge red flags and constitutes anything but love.

“how many affairs end up in successful marriages or relationships” –   This type of search comes up a lot. Daily, really. It’s why I wrote a blog on the topic. How many end up in successful legitimate, long-term relationships that started out as an affair?  Some, but not enough to sustain the illusion. It’s a long shot at best.  Few affairs translate into successful, real life, long-term relationships and for a variety of reasons.  One study I read stated that 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision.

dday affair chose other woman immature men” – I don’t know if your husband leaving your for his lover makes him “immature.”  Maybe, maybe not.  It’s likely that he was profoundly unhappy in his marriage for a long period of time and his affair was the “exit strategy” type.  He didn’t leave you until he found someone he wished to be with. I wrote a blog entry on the types of affairs. Sorry.  But that’s reality in some cases.

“do some women never find out their husbands are cheating” – Yes.  If I believe the studies, lots and lots of people (women too) have affairs, end them, and go on with their marriages and it’s never uncovered.  I read at least one study that claimed that hearly 70% of all married men and 60% of married women have had affairs. That’s two out of every three marriages.  And that’s a lot. I don’t think 2/3 marriages have cheating uncovered, however.  So a lot of people are obviously getting away with it. I know some.  But more cheaters get caught than many realize. Most people think they can manage the situations, but get caught. In stupid ways. But a lot of cheaters don’t realize that the Affair Partner is frequently the one that sells them out.  Out of guilt. Or spite. You think they will never betray you? That they are your “soul mate” that you can trust with your life?  Guess again.

“forgiveness after affair is only temporary” –  Then it wasn’t really forgiveness, but sounds more like someone saying they forgive you merely to keep you in the marriage, for whatever reason.  It’s a big problem. If the Betrayed Spouse truly can’t or won’t forgive, there is no point. You might as well divorce. You’re wasting your time.  Forgiveness must precede healing. And healing requires compassion and the ability of the Betrayed Spouse to honestly confront their own part in all of it.  I read too many blogs to know that many Betrayeds aren’t strong enough to truly forgive, and are too invested in being a victim to truly heal. Sad, but true.

“he threatens to end an affair if he gets caught” –  Yeah, that’s one of the rules of the game.  You get caught, they usually end.  Why are you surprised?  It’s a self-indulgent fantasy you’re engaged in. A massive deceit and betrayal. It’s not the romance of the century.  Secrecy is part and parcel to an affair. One of it’s load-bearing walls.  Few affairs survive disclosure and the light of day.

“wife threatens to leave if i tell of her affair” – Yeah, I get this one. While some advice says expose your cheating spouse’s affair to everyone to save the marriage and kill off the affair– telling family, friends, co-workers — I think it’s a mistake. It’s rooted in revenge, not healing.  It’s designed to humiliate.  Hardly a good way to reconcile is it? Honestly, if my wife had done that, I probably would’ve walked.  It would’ve been quite counter-productive to marital reconciliation.  Frequently, the marriage is very fragile after D-day. Why would you add more problems and stress by angering and humiliating your Wayward Spouse even more?  It can only feed resentment and make reconciliation less likely.

“are cheaters ever remorseful”  – Ever?  Search terms laden with judgment, eh?  Yes, mostly they are.  Profoundly.  Some aren’t.  Every situation is different. If they aren’t remorseful, I have no idea how a marriage could heal or how a Betrayed Spouse could accept the person back.

is it ok to keep affair partner as a friend” – No, it’s an awful idea.  No Contact is the only way for both people to truly get past the affair. As long as you have a lot of contact, the affair in a sense is never over — it just morphs into a different type of affair.  And it keeps the door open a crack for back-sliding into the affair.  Here’s a rule of thumb:  If you can’t tell you spouse about something you’re doing, it’s probably wrong.

“Affair partner caused my wife to cheat” –
In a word, horseshit.  Overly obsessing over your spouse’s affair partner or blaming the AP for the affair is a clever diversion — so that you don’t have to look in the mirror and you can turn anger away from your spouse and their choices and put them on someone else — but it’s just not true. Don’t fall into this trap: By stalking the AP, blaming them, corresponding with them, etc. Unless they held a gun to your spouse’s head, your spouse is 100% responsible for their own choices. Deal with those choices and why your marriage was so lousy that your spouse thought an affair was an attractive option. If you think your spouse could really be that easily manipulated into an affair, you must think they are a complete idiot. And that means you have other issues in your marriage.

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8 thoughts on “Affair Search Terms Leading Folks to my Blog

  1. Great post. I get some seriously insane search terms as well. I like the explanation or advice you give for each one.

  2. Great post!! But I have a question that has been bugging me… I am a lover to a married man,…so please do not lecture me I know what I am doing… but I do have a question..Why would a man want to get caught… I do tell him that deep inside he doesnt and should not speak this way. (BTW, we dont make promises to each other, or talk about the future or love.. I am trying to keep it real) Since what we have is more of an escape than anything else.

    • I’m not going to lecture you on your choice. I’m sure lots of people do that. But I do believe this will not end well for you and I do think it is corrosive to the soul. But it’s your life. I certainly however don’t look down on people who have had affairs — I had one. They just rarely turn out well for anyone who has been in one, and they have costs and consequences that aren’t apparent when you are in one. But I’m not here to lecture. Promise.

      That being said, you asked why your Married Lover would say he wants to be caught. I can’t imagine someone in reality wanting to get caught. Not really. It’s hell. But i can relate at least to some degree, I suppose. I didn’t want to be caught, but being the affair was very stressful internally for me. From almost day one. It made me feel bad. Guilty. Torn. Stressed out trying to maintain the secrecy so that my wife wouldn’t be hurt. Stressed out with the whole deception of it.

      When D-Day occurred, while it was awful, I felt relieved in a way. I knew it was wrong and wanted out, but wasn’t strong enough to do it. I knew my OW wouldn’t go quietly and the more-than-implied threat that she would tell my wife if I broke it off with her was essentially nullified by D-day. She no longer could hold this over my head as a way to keep me in line and do what she wished.

      Also having it all out in the open was liberating. It gave me the reason to terminate it and finally to be totally honest with my wife about what was so wrong in our relationship for years that this was an attractive, albeit wrong, choice for me to have made. I was tired of living a double life. I was tired of the stress of having to make a decision on what to do. So yes, in some ways, I was glad that it was finally discovered by my wife.

      So I guess I can understand wanting to be caught in that way. He’s torn. He’s stressed. Getting caught would give him the push to make a decision — whether to terminate things with you, or with his wife, or both. I can understand that.

      • See that is the funny part his wife has caught him twice and both times I tried to end it. He knows I care deeply for him (which I never really told him, figure its best not to talk about feelings since this might lead to empty promises) so he knew what buttoms to use to get me back. However, did tell him if his wife finds out one more time its over between us and he keeps saying not necassary. I know that their relationship is different and he knows I will disappear quietly till this day he does not know where I work or live, I always refused for him to find out. I love him enough to let him go since I know he can never belong to me. However, he says things that dont make sense to me. Like he wishes his wife would actually react. The first time she found out, I was devasted since I thought this was the end but she acted like nothing happened. Not sure if this is a normal behavior for a woman to act this way. The second time same deal. However, he claims he wishes he would get caught again.

        However, lately he wants me to play house and I am not sure this is a good idea. He has rented rooms where there is a kitchenette and I been cooking for him of course, not sure what he is trying to do. I made it clear that we should not cross lines, however, it might just end between us if he keeps crossing these lines. As much as I love him I know that we can never have a real relationship. Yet, he keeps expressing he wants to get caught, however, the wife never really reacts so not sure why this is happening and I am getting confused. I stayed away this whole weekend from him. Did not respond to his texts and this bothered him more. I do love him but afraid of the out come.

  3. nice post. interesting.

    i am stuck on the “remorse” and i too wonder if it ‘ever’ happens or is it just demonstrated, to make the betrayed spouse feel better. i think my husband is remorseful that it happened and that he got caught. i don’t know if he has remorse for THINKING about it and being so SELFISH that it didn’t occur to him what kind of devastation it would have on me. the worst thing to hear is, ‘i didn’t think about hurting you because i wasn’t thinking about you.’

    that kills me.

    • If it ever happens? I think it happens MOST of the time. But that doesn’t mean every former cheater feels remorse. I can’t speak to your husband or his state of mind. But I think typically most of us feel remorse if we have a conscience. Hell, I felt remorse even before it was discovered!! It was very stressful. It caused a lot of internal stress. I knew what I was doing and while it felt good at times, most of the time it made me not like myself very much. I would frequently wake up at night and realize with horror what I had become. It caused so much internal dissonance. So for me being caught was not why I was sorry. I knew it was the wrong choice to have made, yet, I got swept along in it too and didn’t put a stop to it. I was very torn through-out. I used to tell my therapist that it felt like being in a minefield – I knew I had to do SOMETHING. But I was afraid to take a step in any direction. Absolutely paralyzed by fear, competing thoughts, and utter indecision.

      I think however that you can only judge your husband’s level of remorse by his actions now. Does he show remorse? Has he made amends to you? Is he living a more transparent and authentic and honest life now? That’s how one shows remorse. Not by constantly apologizing or crying, but by actually making amends and showing that you are better. That you can change for the better.

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