“Why didn’t you speak up to your wife before your affair?”


I have been wondering this for a while, so even though you and I don’t always see eye to eye I would like to know why you didn’t speak up about the things that were lacking in your marriage. You even said in one of your answers here, “Yes, I should’ve spoken up. I didn’t.” So why not?


Complicated. I wish I had. I wish SHE had more than she did. Her attempts were not very clear or direct, looking back.

But as for me, well, it’s hard to say. Our relationship did not start or develop with that sort of radically open communication and honesty. We always had a fairly peaceful existence. We never fought. I mean NEVER. So much was clearly not said by either of us, but should have been. We worked to raise a successful family and a harmonious household, but slowly were drifting apart emotionally. Our communication was very superficial and task-oriented, but was not deep. Part of it is me. I’m a very private person. An introvert. And I wasn’t used to being so open and honest as I am learning to be now.

But remember this is me looking back over 20 years with some clarity. Clarity I didn’t have back then. I didn’t really realize what was happening, and therefore, couldn’t address. Maybe it was my own immaturity? Focus on other things? I don’t know, but I didn’t. I should have, but I didn’t.

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about this. Now we are much more open with each other. And yes, we fight a little, but it’s been ok. We are remaking our communication patterns completely. She is much more vocal, and is more direct with me, insisting that I tell her what’s going on in my mind. It’s not always comfortable, but I’m getting better at it.