“The Other Woman is not always a crazy, predatory monster”

Question from an ex “Other Woman”:

“Let it be known, that anyone who gets involved with a married man, is no picture of sanity. Low self-esteem? You betcha! Daddy issues? Absolutely! Prior abusive relationships? Bingo!  All stuff I’m currently working on……

But, It’s true, the OW is an emotional mess.  Granted some are crazier than others, but we all carry our own rocks.  But, the stereotype of the OW in being some sort of seducing Monster/Vixon out to ruin marriages isn’t always the case. I never asked him to leave his wife. Never. I’m not sure if that makes me crazier or not?”


First, I’ve never suggested that most ex-OW (or OM) are psychotic, violent, unstable, emotional terrorists.  I would say that what I’m experiencing is actually pretty unusual. Mine definitely was/is.

That being said, what you wrote? I’m not sure she had any of those things, to be honest. Definitely she has shown some mental illness since the affair terminated, but I never saw her as an unbalanced person, or a person of low self-esteem. She’s actually a very confident, attractive woman, who runs her own business and does it well. She seemed to be very together.

And our affair started very very slowly. Only talked and emailed for 6 months before we met up in person after our initial meeting. I know that she was very hesitant in getting involved with a married man — I didn’t feel pursued that hard. I too was hesitant about going down that road, but we encouraged each other.  We fell in love. We totally clicked.  It was hard for either of us to resist.

Certainly NOW I see her as having some very serious issues — the way she’s behaved since I terminated things. The lies she told me throughout our affair. Serious personality disorder going on there.  I didn’t see that so clearly during the affair, but I do now.

So was she was a loser with daddy issues?  I don’t see mine that way.  Everyone has a different story.  I think that the lies she told me during the affair to hook me in, and the way she acted after the affair speak poorly of her character.  She is someone used to getting what she wants and I was the first man to ever dump her. I think her psychotic behavior came from her ego being hurt and she certainly exhibited quite a bit of entitlement mentality.  She certainly is probably an example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It’s complex.  SHE is complex.  The thing was a huge mistake, but she can’t either admit her part in it, or take responsibility for the shitty things she did to me during it and after.  And for that, I see her as a very flawed adult and a poor match for me.  Cunning. Manipulative. Untrustworthy. All deal-breakers.

But certainly there ARE women out there that prey upon married men. That ARE crazy. I can point you to a couple of blogs here.  Some of them DO put pressure on their lovers to leave their wives. Like mine. UNENDING pressure.

But I agree that people like to look at people like you and I in terms of stereotypes. It’s easier for them to do it and allows them (especially betrayed spouses) to not look in the mirror. You’re just a “homewrecker” and a “evil slut.”  Me? I’m a “predator,” an “asshole”, an egomaniac having a midlife crisis.

Hopefully my blog helps people to better understand the complexities in all of us and how few fit the stereotype.

And I also agree that the Other Woman is demonized, yet they too feel pain. Don’t take my story and the psycho I got involved with as a reflection on you. It isn’t. I think actually my story is rather unique in many ways. My OW was truly a cunning, mean-spirited, egocentric, selfish, immature drama queen. They all aren’t like that.