“How do you feel about her now and how does your wife know you won’t cheat again?”

1. What do you feel for/about your affair partner now?

2. How does your wife know you won’t do it again, either with this woman or someone else?

——————————————————————

1. What do you feel for/about your affair partner now?

I think I sort of answered that in your previous question, or at least in other blogs.  How do I feel about her? Nothing good. I see her as a dishonest, immature, cunning, manipulative, drama queen. Someone who has a complete inability to take personal responsibility for themselves. She was never wrong and if something was wrong, it was always someone elses’ fault. Getting an apology out of her, even when it was obvious she was dead-to-rights wrong was like pulling teeth. She was vicious and cruel in the wake of my termination of the affair. She went after me. She went after my wife. She divulged information to others that was extremely private. I on the other hand was always honest with her. Always. I told her everything. Now I found out she told me numerous lies. It makes me question anything she ever told me. What else did she lie about and why?

I feel no love for her. I feel no desire. I feel pity. A bit of hatred. Dread. That’s about it.

But her actions made it very easy for me to get over her. If she had been like other affair partners — hurt, but understanding. Only truly wanting me to be happy. If she were still out there, hurt but loving me, I think it would’ve been harder for me to get over her. This scenario is more typical than mine. Waywards, even when recovering, are often a bit on the fence in their minds. Even though an affair is immoral and wrong, it’s still a relationship. You still feel “loss” when it’s over. There were things about your affair partner you miss and still desire. It’s hard to go cold turkey for many, even when trying to save their marriages.

I have been told that my story is fairly unique. Most ex-partners don’t go bunny-boiler or if they do, it doesn’t last long. So like I said, my ex-OW played it all wrong. Everything she did drove me further into the arms of my wife, and made it very easy for me to get past my feelings for her. What was once my soul-mate and love interest became someone I didn’t recognize and dreaded. A threat. I don’t feel sentimental about her at all. I have no good memories now. She drove them all right out of me. I should thank her.

2. How does your wife know you won’t do it again, either with this woman or someone else?

She doesn’t. I don’t have a good track record. But given how prevalent cheating is, does anyone “know” their partner won’t cheat? If I believe the stats, almost 40% of both genders admit cheating, which means that it’s probably closer to 50% or even 60%, because many won’t admit it or don’t classify their behavior as “cheating”, even if it was. Some of you reading this have spouses who have cheated and you don’t know it!

That being said, all I can do to ease my wife’s fears is to live an honest, authentic, and transparent life. I can only overcome my mistake by doing this and making her feel loved, adored, and safe again. I need to ensure that I know her critical emotional needs and that I’m meeting them, and making sure she knows mine and is meeting them. That’s all I can do. Move forward, learn from this, and be a better person, man and husband.

I’ve never been one who believes “once a cheater, always a cheater” — because the vast, vast majority have “cheated” in one way or another in their lives on someone. Which means most people are undateable, and not marriage material. The reality is that we are all a “work in progress.” We grow. Mature. We are capable of learning from our mistakes and having loving, open and faithful relationships. Are there some who are hopeless? It’s who they are and they will cheat no matter what? Yes, there are. But these are not the majority.

In the end, everyone is a risk. Everyone. But we have to take a leap of faith in order to find true and keep true love. We have to be at some level vulnerable. If you want to stay completely free from hurt, betrayal and disappointment, you should be alone. The rest of us take our chances. Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Nobody is risk-free.

Advertisements