I have seen your many responses to Wendy’s blog and just found this blog. You are very open about your affair which I guess is a good thing, not sure if I was your wife I would be able to handle all the details you have divulged about your AP. For me, I would have a difficult time with it but. . . I am just curious to ask you something. Did you think about your wife when you were with the OW and were you afraid to get caught? The reason I ask this is because my fiance has told me he just didnt think at all. My fiances affair was physical. I also believe part of the fear of getting caught is enticing as well. Or did you feel you were invincible?
What was I thinking? I really wasn’t thinking! THAT was the problem!
Did I think about my wife during the times I was with my OW? No, not really. I was so happy when I was with my OW, and so unhappy when I was at home. My wife was the furthest thing from my mind. All my needs were being met when I was with the OW. All my senses were on overdrive. It was fun. Romantic. Passionate. She spoiled me. I didn’t want it to end!
That being said, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel guilt. I felt it overwhelmingly. Throughout. I was PETRIFIED about being caught. Constantly. I took incredible chances, looking back, but I was that desperate to get my “fix”. But I also was fairly careful in my dealings with the OW to not get caught. We kept our talking to when I wasn’t home. etc etc. I didn’t want the affair to end, and I certainly did not want to hurt my wife and family. I wanted all of it. My cake and eat it too. Stupid. Selfish. You bet. But I wanted what I wanted.
Even when I began to take steps to actually leave my marriage for the OW, I was still paranoid about discovery. I wanted it to come from me, if it came to that. But I also found that I couldn’t do that either. I felt very torn and stuck.
D-Day was awful. Worst day of my life. I never wanted to hurt my wife. I definitely never thought that the risk of getting caught made it more enticing. Quite the contrary. It was extremely stressful from day one. I took stupid risks, but that’s how desperate I was to have my needs met — needs that weren’t being met in my marriage. Some say the illicit nature of things heightens the excitement of the affair, but that was not the case with me. It stressed me out totally. I just wanted my needs met and this was the way I chose. A very poor decision.