Apportioning Blame for the Affair

My wife has been great. After the initial shock, she accepted her side of the “blame” for the deterioration of our marriage such that I had to get my needs met elsewhere. We were in it together. We stopped nurturing our relationship about the time our first child was born. And we slowly drifted apart and did nothing about it.

And as I said in my first blog, I also believe that I made the poor choices I made not just because my needs weren’t being met, but because of issues and deficits inside myself.  I know that it’s not really her fault that I reacted to a poor marriage the way I did.  It was me.  I made the choice. I took the risk.  I hurt people severely.  I have paid the price internally as well.

I think in my mind, maybe I thought it was 80-20 marriage/me for the blame…now I think it’s more like 50/50.   And since I’m 50% of the marriage, it really means that it’s 25% marriage, 75% my fault.  ….I need to deal with the other 50…I think I need to go back to my therapist and sort out why I chose to do what I did.  Why I so strongly needed the attention, admiration, and understanding of other women in my life.  What are these issues and deficits within myself and why are they there? And what can I do to make sure the “wolf” doesn’t take over again when let’s say our marriage hits a lull or I’m unhappy with my wife about something.

I think it’s time to reengage my therapist. I have to be honest with myself. It wasn’t really my wife’s fault more than mine. It was mine primarily.  I have to be honest.

It’s me.  Me. I’m the reason.  Me.  A terribly flawed, somewhat messed up, confused human being.

Me. The man in the mirror.

 

sigh

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