Breaking the Affair Addiction

resized_addiction_to_love_by_B_neoZENI’m posting this because this addiction – to the affair, to the affair partner – is something I went through and am now past.  Seeing someone who turned out to be destructive, mean, and psychotic helped me get over them faster, but I still felt the “withdrawal” from the affair when I terminated it and went cold turkey.  It was still a process.

I wrote this for some of you Waywards that I see on blogs, on message boards, asking, “Why oh WHY can’t I  get over him/her so I can heal my marriage?”  And perhaps some of you Betrayeds aren’t recognizing that your Wayward must go through withdrawal-like steps and experience the symptoms before they can fully commit to marital recovery.  I’m not saying go easy on them, per say,  but recognize that that to some extent they may still be on the fence after D-Day.  Not sure that they truly DON’T want their Affair Partner and maybe this is the time to leave.  They are shell-shocked and confused.  Numb.

They are addicts and are going through withdrawal.   Recognize it.   Support them.  Help them.  Show compassion as if they were a recovering alcoholic.   You’ll be better off for it.  You have the right to be angry.  To make demands.  To punish them mercilessly with word and deed.   To put some ridiculously comprehensive set of “controls” on their lives to keep them from EVER doing this again.  But what is it that you want?  A better marriage or justice?  You can’t pursue both at the same time.   Treat them, at least initially, like addicts.   With compassion. With understanding. With supportive words and actions.

For most Waywards,  ending an affair usually means giving up the thing or the person that was your everything.  Who made you feel wanted, understood and desired.  With whom you had all your “fun times.”  Like with most addictions, giving up on the immediate satisfaction is very difficult and painful to accept.  An affair can boost self-esteem, rejuvenate and give us the sense of fulfillment that we look for in a relationship.  Similar to an adrenaline rush, the affair can give us energy and a false sense of happiness.  The problem is that all these feeling are related to a make believe reality that does not exist.  Most people that are having an affair still have to go home to a spouse or significant other and create a façade to hide what is going on.

Even me, with as much progress as I’ve made with my wife to repair our marriage, I still have moments of missing some of the trappings of the affair.  The excitement. The fun.  The “highs”.  But more than that, I sometimes miss the friendship I had with her. The bond.  The openness.  How she made me feel about me.   Even though I know it was the wrong thing to do.  Even though I know it was partly an illusion.  It’s still not easy.   And the itch never fully leaves you, just like an addict.  We miss the “fix”.  I will say, though, that over time, this has significantly faded. I rarely think of the “good times” with her in almost anyway. She is a page I’ve turned. THAT is the good news.

It is very important though, that we recognize the destructive cycle that leads to the affair in order to avoid future relapses.  Lack of communication, withdrawal, and low self-esteem followed by gratification with another partner can create a cycle that is hard to break.  Recovering from any addiction can be a lot easier if the drug of choice is not available or the person we are cheating with is not around to fulfill the immediate need.

An affair is a chemical addiction like any other.  The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance.  The fact that a spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover.  That makes it an addiction.

After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal.  Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.  The way to overcome an addiction is tried and proven —- abstain from the object of addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior.   They must avoid places where alcohol is likely to be found, such as bars and parties.  They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. They must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment.  In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken to avoid all contact with the lover for life!

So what do you Waywards do that are still fighting the addiction? First and foremost: You must firmly and permanently end the affair. Total Separation (no contact) is a must.  You must end the affair and go cold-turkey. Never contact the affair partner again in any way.  Putting it off will only cause trouble and hurt.  It gets harder to break the affair if we have stronger emotions to deal with.  Also important is to not give hope of any future contact.  Get rid of the triggers that make you think of them, as much as possible.  Delete all the old emails and pictures.  If they are on Facebook, put a block on them, so they can’t see you and you can’t see them. Or leave Facebook entirely (like I did).   If you can avoid going to the places where you had your times with your ex-lover, avoid them.   Short, simple and straight to the point is the recipe for success here.

Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible. Those who try to straddle the fence — who keep in some contact with their ex-lovers but say they are “working on” their marriages — are fooling themselves. They are in total denial.  Their marriages have no chance.  They might as well pull the plug. In many circumstances, the Wayward Spouse agrees to marital counseling and reconciliation only as a way to draw attention away from the affair, which may go temporarily dormant until the storm passes, but then reignites.  This is just another lie by a Wayward! Just like an alcoholic who hides bottles around the house, and sneaks drinks at work, they will do whatever they have to do to get their fix without overly upsetting the rest of their life, which becomes something of a facade!  You cannot be in the position where your Wayward is straddling the fence on recovering — going back and forth between you and the Affair Partner, unable to decide whom they really want, or unwilling to give up either.   It won’t work!   There is no recovery until the affair is totally and permanently SHUT DOWN and all contact ceases!

So what does a Betrayed Spouse do? In a word, firmly set (fair, not ridiculous) boundaries, but show compassion and patience more than you show anger and mete out punishment. Recognizing that ending the relationship with the AP is often a gradual process. Maybe even a bit of a roller coaster.  It depends on the type of affair that occurred — the longer it lasted, the more emotionally tied your Wayward was to their partner, the deeper the addiction and the harder it will be for them to fully move on.  You don’t have to like it.  But be prepared.  Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.  So, let’s assume this is your case.  Here are a few things to do:

1. You are entitled to set some limits.  Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums.  You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me.  I refuse to share you with another person.  And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”

2. “Get at” the specific issues.  Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)

3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions.  “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?”  “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?”  Allow your voice to trail at the end.  Do not be dogmatic.   Open the door for discussion.

4. See this as his/her problem.  (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards.  Get your personal needs met.  Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”

5. Notice the changes in your relationship.   Do you see a movement toward what you really want?  Are patterns changing?  Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.

6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you.  Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$!  They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.   Find sources of support from people that do understand.

Remember, ending an affair is never easy but there is help for those who want to move on.  It is actually very rewarding to realize that we are strong enough to take control of our lives and that we can recover from painful and addictive behavior.  The end of an affair can mean the beginning of a new life, the opportunity to make things better.  Although affairs leave us with the sense of instant gratification, fulfillment comes from real goals.   Rebuilding the relationship with a spouse will ultimately give us the tools to live a satisfying reality that can be reflected in everything that we do.  We can finally find the balance within ourselves that defines who we really are without having to hide and pretend what we are not.

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36 thoughts on “Breaking the Affair Addiction

  1. Have you ever thought about you might have “killed” your ex-lover when you went cold-turkey? Are you sure there’s no better ways to save everybody?

    • Let’s be clear. I didn’t abruptly cut her off without a word or explanation. I didn’t go cold turkey on D-day. I talked to her ENDLESSLY. For almost 3 weeks, explaining why I did what I did. Not exactly “cold turkey.” That being said, I DID have to go “No Contact” within 3 weeks after D-day. And for good reason.

      Everything I’ve read says that going complete NO CONTACT is the only way to save your marriage. And rightly so. As long as you are involved with the OW/OM on any level, you’re not going to truly be able to reconcile your marriage. Moreover, your Betrayed Spouse cannot possibly feel like they are getting your commitment to reconciling the marriage, let alone your true remorse for what you’ve done, as long as you are still in communication with your lover.

      That being said, I really WANTED to go no contact right after D-day when I terminated things with her. I really did all I could to explain my reasoning to her. Calmly. With affection. But she wouldn’t have it. She immediately began making threats, trying to phone my wife and sending simply horrible emails to my wife, full of lies. Anything to try and derail my decision to keep my marriage and family together. For 3 weeks after D-Day, with my wife’s knowledge, I maintained contact with OW, trying to get her to understand why I did what I had to do. To defuse this vindictive, neurotic woman. I DID try to cushion the blow on her. I talked to her, but when she realized that no tactic was going to get me to change my mind, she started to become REALLY nasty and threatening. I was forced then to completely cut off contact. Within a month, I had to drag her to Court for a restraining order because nothing seemed to get this woman to stop harassing me and my family.

      So I did what I could to cushion the blow to her, but honestly, she wouldn’t have any of it. She’s too immature and nasty to even attempt understanding or show any real grace, dignity and love towards me in this situation. She was the victim and that’s all she wanted to know and she was either going to get me to change my mind or destroy me.

      But that aside, I think No Contact is the only way to go. You need to show your spouse that your affair is over. COMPLETELY. And if you maintain contact with your lover, you may be inadvertently giving them hope. You don’t want to do that. You don’t want to leave the door open, even a crack. Over is over. Even if they don’t believe it, going No Contact is doing THEM a favor too. They need to know there is no chance and that they need to move on.

      I have no idea what you are suggesting in my circumstance, but I did what I could. I merely wanted “out.” When you are dealing with immature, overly-emotional people, there is no “good way” to get out. It was going to be ugly, no matter how I did it. I’m not responsible for the OW’s nastiness and frankly illegal stalking and harassment (so said the Court) after I terminated things with her — only she is responsible for her actions. I didn’t cause her to do anything. Ironically, that’s the position that SHE would take — her pain is a license to do whatever she wishes. It’s all my fault. That’s a very sad, immature attitude.

      I’ve had my heart broken in my life too. but I would never do what she did. Hope that answers your question.

      • I should start by saying I am the betrayed spouse and the OW in my life sounds very similar to yours. The problem for us and moving forward is that she now has twin boys with my husband, who uses that as an excuse to remain in constant contact with her. There really is no hope for us is there?

      • well, since they have children together, you should expect (and rightly so) that she is going to be in your lives more or less forever. He’s their biological father. It would wrong for him to walk away from that responsibility.

        Your story is very unusual. He did a very bad thing by making children with this woman. He’s now ensured that there never can be a complete break from her for you two. And yes, I would think this would present incredible challenges to your marriage. Far more than most people could bear. You will have to be incredibly strong to tolerate this. But you can’t expect him to cut her (and them) off either.

        Why do you stay?

      • Like I said, she seems very similar to your OW. The pregnancy happened a month after the Bomb drop, when he was attempting to back out of the relationship. Nice attempt. She had stopped taking her BC pills. Any way I stayed initially because he told me that once the kids were born, its twins, he would pay her child support and take his kids for visitation. Almost 4 months later and he is still going to her house daily to spend time with the kids, and he is in constant contact with her by phone while at work, and even sometimes when at home with us. So it seems to me at this point that he is just not ready yet to end his affair with her, and is using the babies as an excuse. Do you think I am wrong for feeling that way? He has been told over and over that despite the circumstances, those babies would be welcomed into my life.

      • #1, I would get a DNA test on this kids immediately.

        #2, yes, him going over daily is unreasonable. I think it’s reasonable for you to expect him to set more boundaries. Maybe host the kids at your house, but not go to hers to see them. That to me is affair. I don’t know if the affair is still going on or not, but I think you have a right to be pissed.

  2. EJ — As the ex who was ‘killed’ by my (ex)AP by him going cold turkey, yes it did kill me. If felt cold-hearted, cruel, mean, and I was sick to my stomach for days afterwards. This is a very fresh perspective since it happened this week. I wanted that one last conversation. I wanted to see him one last time, if only for him to say, “I love you, but ….”. However by going cold-turkey that day never came.

    It’s been nearly a week now, and I can say that going cold-turkey and not having that final conversation was the best thing that happened to me, though it was painful. The cold nature of the ending symbolized everything that was wrong with the relationship. It yanked me from the ‘fog’ and back into reality and world of the living. I can honestly say now that I finally have perspective and I am finally done with this and am on the path the healing.

    As this blog says often, every situation is different, and maybe a graceful exit is possible in some cases. I would think this is very rare. The very nature of this situation does not allow for much saving of people’s feelings or a compromise that will make everyone happy. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation all around where everyone gets hurt.

    • It’s not easy. And the “closure” you seek — like the closure I seek – usually don’t happen to people. I tried to cushion the blow with my OW, but she wouldn’t have it. Explaining didn’t help. I might as well have gone cold turkey. Yes, it feels cruel, but I’m sure, in your heart, you do understand why he did what he did. Even if it hurts.

    • I’m sorry, but most of your comments are just crap. Self-serving tripe. You can find plenty of other betrayed spouses who agree with your nonsense on various other blogs and message boards. However, for me, I have directed all of your long-winded nonsense into the trash and spam. Please stay off my site. This is a safe place for former cheaters and for those betrayed who can be a bit more humble, honest and nice. You are none of those. I rarely trash comments, but I trashed all of yours. Please don’t bother.

  3. I would have never belived the addiction could be so great…I would normally scoff at people and not understand. Now having lived it and going through addiction withdrawl I can understand the pain. No excuse for bad decisions however. Sucks hurting so many people.

  4. I was just wondering what to do if your husband works with this woman and sees her everyday. He says he has created distance but I know it could just be a matter of time before things could reignite as they have a requirement to work closely together. I cannot rest knowing he sees her everyday. I really appreciate your advice as I have found your blogs very helpful. Thanks.

    • Most affairs these days start at the workplace, so what you are experiencing is pretty common.

      To me, it would be a deal-breaker. if my spouse cheated with a coworker, one of the prices she would be would be that she would need to find a new job. “no contact” means NO CONTACT. Of any kind. I wouldn’t tolerate the situation.

      I’m not saying that he’s likely to reignite anything with this woman — there’s no way for me to know that. But I know that him seeing her every day, working with her, is more than an irritant to you — it’s a threat to your marriage reconciling. If he really wanted to demonstrate his commitment to you and your marriage, he would find another job.

      • Thank you very much for your opinion and taking the time to answer, those were my thoughts but I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable. Thanks for your article about ‘why men go back to their wives’ it really helped me to understand why he wanted to come home and gave me a lot of insight into why the affair happened in the first place. Have a lovely Christmas.

  5. Hi, I really enjoy your posts and I think you give good advice. I’m a BS myself.

    Some people “wake up” and others do not. There are so many factors involved. One thing I want to say is that I don’t think you can “nice” someone out of an affair. Many BS’s try to do this and fail. I think that’s why you see the common advice is to employ the “180” or even start divorce proceedings, for yourself but also to show the WS that there are consequences. That you aren’t going to idly star by and be hurt, or wait for them to choose you or the AP. Exposing the affair is another important consideration, so that the AP’s spouse can make his or her own decisions. None of these things are vindictive by their nature, it’s only how you proceed in doing them. Because, as you point out, the WS is in addict mode and will continue to deceive in order to get their fix or “let go” of the AP in a way that doesn’t make them feel guilty or distressed. No Contact is very important, but often hard to maintain if the WS is not completely remorseful (which is rare). I do think it is important that the BS understands the addictive nature, and that withdrawal will be hard, but the WS can not expect the BS to show much sympathy at that time. Who wants to feel like second best? Trying to reconcile but watching your spouse pine for someone else?

    With regards to your own affair, I don’t think you are being completely fair to your AP. It’s ironic for me to say that as a BS, but you did “throw her under the bus” so to speak. Maybe it wasn’t a hard push, but you essentially took the love drug away from the junkie. All of the promises, the talk of a possible future together, .. she was relying on that. It’s not entirely uncommon for a reasonable person to go crazy when this happens. They are in shock, too. I’m not defending her actions, but I expect some of the letters she sent to your wife included painful truths on top of the lies, and you did not want those coming to light. Ideally, she would have written a letter of apology to your wife, but the OW was suffering as well. Sure, it would have been better for her to have shown grace and dignity, but that is asking a lot of someone whom you professed your love to and then took it away. I don’t feel much sympathy for the OW, because she should not have gotten involved with you in the first place, but I don’t see much ownership on your part for leading her on. You appear to use the addictive aspects of an affair as an excuse for your behavior, and I don’t think that’s entirely fair. That being said, I think you are one of the more lucid WS’s I have ever read and I thank you for continuing your blog. I hope it helps many others.

    • Thanks for the input. I think you’re being far too generous with the OW. I shudder to think of a society where people think that being hurt is a license to do anything you wish, including stalking, harassment and libel (as defined by my State and according the Judge I dragged her in front of). She knew I was torn. I never promised her anything. She spent about a year cajoling, manipulating me and playing dirty tricks to turn the situation to her advantage. After I terminated things with her — because of a D-day that SHE engineered, by the way — she did a series of awful things to me with one goal — to ruin my marital reconciliation, and if she couldn’t do that, to ruin me and my wife. I won’t even list them here as it’s frankly upsetting to do so and unnecessary. While you might think her actions excusable since she was “hurt”, reasonable people do not. Including me, my wife, and judge. What she did was immature, cruel and just plain mean.

      but thanks for your input.

  6. I have never heard you mention anything about a WS who is also a narcissist (as is my husband – successful covert narcissist)- while remain together and he claims It’s over – I have my doubts. Any thoughts to share? thank-you!

    • I can’t comment on that. If he truly IS a narcissist (has he been diagnosed as such by a professional), or merely a skillful and regular liar, you have issues that you yourself cannot overcome. If you are right, then I doubt your marriage has much chance.

      • Thx for ur quik response. No he has not been diagnosed by a professional – he would never go for that- he does however fit the profile pretty much to a tee of the successful covert narcissist. Yes unfortunately I know it in my head but haven’t been able to convince my heart. I am malignantly optimistic as there is still so much that is good everyday. However knowing what I know I realize I may be simply allowing the situation to continue. Oh how I wish I had a crystal ball to see inside his head. Thanks for your honest opinion I appreciate it. Keep writing -not always easy to hear what you write but I think you do an excellent job conveying your point.

      • I wish I could be more positive but if he truly is what you say he is, I don’t know how you fix that. Even intensive psychotherapy may not work. It’s likely that as with any other person, who he is is what he’s going to continue to be. You either have to accept it without comment or complaint, or chuck it. people like this weather they be narcissists or sociopath, rarely change. Again I wish I could be more positive and helpful

  7. I want to comment to John Appreciate. You spouse is one lucky person. You have been betrayed yet can still see your partners and even the OP pain. My own spouse is very similar however, he has a difficult time feeling any sympathy towards the OP involved–just anger. Maybe its easier for him to blame the OP at times rather than me. You show a lot of compassion and empathy as well as strength. Good luck in your recovery

  8. What would you say about a sex affair? My partner and I are both married and made it clear from the start that we only would meet up every 3 weeks to have sex only. We both don’t get it much from the marriages and the sex is awesome when we are together. My husband is not so great in bed. And the thought of calling it quits with my partner will be hard. Any advice??

    • An affair is an affair. Whether just physical. just emotional or both. Its just as dangerous. Just as wrong. Advice? Get the hell out before it blows up in your face. If you can’t live with your marriage, get out. But affairs are not only NOT the answer, they are incredibly stupid.

      • Thanks….I guess my so called affair is somewhat of a relationship. I enjoy reading your blog and I am trying to make sense of this so called sex affair. This married man has it made with me because I’m not asking for anything more. I know the right thing to do and will have to end it.

    • If you went to your husband & had a very frank and direct conversation about your sex life (or the lack thereof), told him you needed more, and asked for an open marriage, what do you think he would say? Do you think he would be open to that, or would he enthusiastically agree to seeking professional help for your marriage? Is the problem of a medical/physical nature, or are both of you just bored? Because there is help available for both. If the problem boils down to he just can’t or won’t do anything, then the solution to your problem may be divorce. But if you’re cheating & deceiving him because you don’t want to lose what you have with him, then you need to be looking for a more constructive solution than this. It’s probably just a matter of time before this blows up in your face, and even if it doesn’t, you are doing nothing to fix the real problem. And if it does blow up, you’re either going to lose him anyway, or you’re going to have to address the marital problems with an affair making it more complicated than it ever was before. Then you’re looking at affair recovery (and I can tell you firsthand how incredibly difficult that alone is to deal with) on top of the underlying issues that led to it, and both at the same time. Personally, I’m all in favor of fighting just one dragon at a time. That’s all I’m saying.

      • Lol! Actually almost fell out of my chair laughing, you silly man:) I am not so sure I’d be equal to that task – I have my angry woman days just like your infamous hate mailers:P But I do appreciate the sentiment. Even if you’re just teasing; I do have an awful lot to say sometimes, lol, and I’m almost OCD sometimes about being “helpful”.

      • It’s not a medical/physical nature. I have hint around to my husband how it would be nice for him to work out(lose some weight)…but he choose to do nothing. If he was trying to hint that issue to me I would try everything to make my husband happy. I found in my so called affair that he fills 20% of what my marriage does not(which is sex) My husband fills the 80%. I don’t want a relationship with my partner, but only sex with him. My partner and I don’t text or talk on the phone until the day we will meet to have sex. Part of staying with my husband is that we have a 3 year old.

  9. Overcoming –
    Are you saying the issue is that you aren’t physically attracted to him due to his weight, and that’s why you’re cheating? I don’t really know what to say to that. You could possibly try Dr. Harley’s program at Marriage Builders. Physical attractiveness did make his list of “emotional needs”. I suppose if that’s something you feel you need, then it must be valid. The only other thing I can think of to say is that you really aren’t giving him a “choice” to do anything about whatever things he is/does that you are unhappy about, because you aren’t telling him that these are issues that will result in you being unfaithful to him. You’ve decided he can’t or won’t change and you made this decision to be in an affair (there’s nothing “so-called” about it; that’s just what it is), and you seem to feel that is justified due to his weight, or sexual performance, or whatever else you aren’t satisfied with. But your reasons for doing it don’t change what the thing is, and believe me, if he knew them, he wouldn’t think they did either – mostly because he wouldn’t feel that you gave him a chance to fix anything before you made this life-changing decision for both of you without consulting him. I’m sure every cheating spouse has their reasons that seem perfectly valid to them, but they don’t always sound so good when you’re trying to explain them to a devastated spouse who just found out the person they love most has betrayed them.

  10. Overcoming – I am a WS and I deeply regret filling voids with an affair. I know you said it means nothing and is just about sex and you have hinted to your husband. But I think if you are honest with yourself, a hint is not enough. Maybe your husband has some deeper rooted issues which are more than just about his weight. Maybe he does want to lose weight but just doesn’t know how. Maybe he’s scared you don’t find him attractive and you (unbeknowst to you) are actually giving off body language and unconscious signals that you don’t find him attractive.
    If staying with your husband is important to you because of your kid and because he gives you the 80%, then I suggest that you need to make more of an effort to fix the 20%. Dropping a hint isn’t enough, you need to sit down and have a “honey we gotta talk” talk. You need to tell him that you don’t feel satisfied physically, that you love him and that you want to fix it but you need him to communicate with you more. There’s plenty of help around for this sort of thing.
    All I can say to you – I really wish I had looked at a blog like this during my affair and that someone would have told me to stop for a moment and consider carefully what on earth I was doing. The impact of an affair is far far worse than I ever imagined (and I also was not in love with my AP) – I cannot even begin to tell you how horrendous it is dealing with the aftermath. I have self harmed, I have had suicidal thoughts, I cry nearly ever day, I have lost over a stone in weight, I can’t sleep properly, I am on anti-depressants. Not one minute goes by in my life now that I don’t regret what I have done. I am begging you – please stop now. Even if it feels to you like it doesn’t mean anything and isn’t “harmful” per se, I promise you that it is harmful and that harm is insidious and goes far beyond your worst fears.

    • I will try and take your advice and this wonderful blog. I wish to that I would of found this blog before making the choice to have a sex affair. It is a Affair Addiction that feels so good…and I can tell this must have been recent for you to end things. It looks like I will have to be the one to end things on my end with my AP. Somehow it seems I want him to end it but why should he when he has it made with me. All we wanted and agree was to JUST have sex and nothing more. Even if there are is no love with my AP there still be hurt on my end just like you are feeling. The best thing I can say is to take it day by day and don’t be hard on yourself. I know on my end my AP has cured me of ever being in another sex affair. I could never do It again.

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